27-year-old man man unveils utterly tragic shopping basket

A 27-year-old man has unveiled a shopping basket described by witnesses as an ‘epic tragedy’.

Tom Logan, from Peterborough, presented the basket at his Sainsbury’s Local to murmurs of sympathy, disgust and abject despair from fellow shoppers, the cashier and a security guard.

Logan’s basket contained a cheese and tomato Pot Noodle, a box of Mini Milks, some AAA batteries, a Daily Express and a bottle of cheap gin.

Fellow shopper, Eleanor Shaw, said: “Gandhi once said that the shopping basket is a window to the soul, but even Gandhi would have told this guy to get a fucking grip.

“I would have offered to buy him some fruits and vegetables, but he doesn’t deserve them.”

Logan said: “Perhaps you would all like to fuck off?

“I bought the Pot Noodle because my pregnant wife is craving it, I bought the Daily Express because my mum likes reading it and I bought the gin so that I can cope with both my pregnant wife and my racist mother.

“Actually, I made that all up. My life is deeply shoddy and this basket is the proof. But you can all still fuck off.”

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Londoner 'fine' with being surrounded by bastard neighbours for the rest of his life

A LONDONER is perfectly happy about always living in flats surrounded by total bastard neighbours, he has claimed.

Creative consultant Tom Logan admits that he does occasionally have issues with the flat next door, the downstairs neighbours, the couple upstairs and whoever is on the other side of the wall, but that living in London is worth it.

He said: “It’s cool if Alex next door wants to blast her tunes. Really adds to the whole edgy urban vibe, even if it is mostly Celine Dion.

“And this is a 24-hour city that never sleeps, so it’s no big deal if my upstairs neighbours slam doors and shout at each other at 2am.

“There’s actually a really strong sense of community here, and even when there’s an argument about parking spaces that sounds like impending murder it’s just because of the passion.

“With London on my doorstep I’m definitely not bothered about that Spanish guy blocking the hallway with his mountain bike despite me asking him not to 500 fucking times.”

Friend Emma Bradford said: “Tom’s such a wimp. When he lived above that crazy posh alcoholic woman who used to pass out to Beethoven at maximum volume he said it was ‘an amazing cultural experience’.”