British Gas raises then freezes electricity prices 'as a favour'

BRITISH Gas has raised electicity prices by 12.5 per cent then immediately frozen them, as a favour to their customers. 

The energy provider, which froze prices for six months in February, has promised households that prices will remain frozen apart from twice-yearly scheduled thaws when they will sharply increase.

A British Gas spokesman said: “They’re completely frozen. Look at that. Rock solid. They won’t be going anywhere for at least another three months.

“Obviously they can’t stay frozen forever, but our pledge to our customers is that whenever prices are not immediately rising, they will remain the same.

“You won’t get an offer like that anywhere else in the market. Why not try our new lifetime contract?”

Customer Helen Archer said: “I like how they vary it between gas and electricity going up. I like to imagine them having a little race.”

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Man gets sugar from bowl to mug without making an absolute f**king mess

A MAN has been able to get sugar into his tea without spilling it across every conceivable surface in the area.

It had been accepted that all men under the age of 60 were unable to grasp the mechanics of hyper-local sugar transportation.

But now 38 year-old Nathan Muir, from Stevenage, has left experts stunned.

Muir said: “The final hurdle of the tea-making process had become my Everest. Regardless of my concentration and commitment somewhere along the journey from sugar bowl to mug all hell would break loose.

“It’s like the teaspoon had a mind of its own and I was no longer in control. I actually started to add more sugar to the spoon just to make up for the levels of attrition.

“For years, successive partners had told me to move the mug closer to the sugar bowl, as if that was something that one could just ‘do’.”

Muir added: “Anyway, it was probably luck and I’m fairly certain it won’t happen again.”