Twitter exercise demonstrates how unpopular teacher is

A TEACHER has proved what an imbecile he is by attempting to demonstrate how quickly messages spread on social media.

IT teacher Mr Cook, known to his pupils as Mr Cock, tweeted a picture of himself holding a message about how fast an image can be shared worldwide.

By the end of the day the message had reached only 111 people, 82 of them bots, and the furthest it had travelled was Swansea.

Mr Cook, who has a startlingly prominent Adam’s apple, tweeted Harry Styles, Lady Gaga, Graham Linehan and the Department of Education, all of whom deleted his message.

Pupil Stephen Malley said: “Not even the other teachers retweeted it. Though the PE teacher did DM ‘Fuck off knobstand.’”

14-year-old Eleanor Shaw said: “It actually taught me something very valuable, namely that contrary to what they tell us complete geeks have no friends even when they grow up.

“Their bullying will never end. As an alpha female, that’s actually enormously reassuring for me.”

A Vine of a visibly upset Mr Cook accidentally reversing his car into the headmaster’s Alfa has since been seen by 51,660,000 people after being retweeted by Barack Obama.

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Lloyd Webber unveils Edwina Currie musical

ANDREW Lloyd Webber has announced a musical about the affair between John Major and Edwina Currie.

Following the closure of his show Stephen Ward, the millionaire composer believes John & Eddie will be a hit thanks to the public’s abiding fascination with Currie, still in FHM’s 100 Hottest at the age of 67.

Lloyd Webber said: “Major and Currie is one of the great love affairs of our time, like Burton and Taylor, JFK and Marilyn Monroe, or Harry Styles and Caroline Flack.

“It’s a fantastic story – a passionate affair being played out as John struggles to realise his dream of a national traffic cones hotline.

“The material lends itself beautifully to the stage. Yesterday we were rehearsing rousing dance number He’s My Salmonella Fella which prompted theatre maintenance workers to spontaneously lob eggs at the stage.”

Other songs include You Can Crack An Egg But You Can’t Crack Me, The Cabinet Are Bastards (Bastards) and Norman Lamont’s soaring second-act ballad Even I’m Not Entirely Sure Who I Am.

Preview audience member Denys Finch Hatton said: “The show captures the spirit of the late 1980s, although I’m not sure the scene where John and Edwina neck pills at a warehouse rave is historically accurate.

“However the bit where Edwina says ‘Take off those glasses and stuff me like a chicken!’ felt chillingly convincing.”