CHILDREN are dreadful regardless of whether they have had sugar, it has emerged.
The Institute for Studies monitored the behaviour of a group of under-10s before and after eating an immense bag of Haribo Star Mix.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “They were little fuckers before eating the sweets and they were little fuckers after. Basically they’re little fuckers.
“The effect of sugar has long been exaggerated by parents keen to refute the obvious truth that their offspring are drooling, messy little psychopaths whose main goal is finding animals to harm.”
Seven-year-old Emma Bradford, who had not eaten anything sugary, said: “I hit Gerald in the face for no reason.”
Then she pointed to a table and asked “What’s that?” 28 times before deliberately running face first into a door and blaming someone else.
Professor Brubaker said: “”Sugar does virtually nothing. I just had a cup of tea with four sugars in it and it’s not like I’ve done an E. Everything is normal.
“Clearly there are chemicals that would affect kids’ behaviour. Really strong sedatives that make them into docile zombies, devoid of the spark and spontaneity of youth. Some people see that as a bad thing, but those people can afford boarding school.”