Children naturally awful

CHILDREN are dreadful regardless of whether they have had sugar, it has emerged.

The Institute for Studies monitored the behaviour of a group of under-10s before and after eating an immense bag of Haribo Star Mix.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “They were little fuckers before eating the sweets and they were little fuckers after. Basically they’re little fuckers.

“The effect of sugar has long been exaggerated by parents keen to refute the obvious truth that their offspring are drooling, messy little psychopaths whose main goal is finding animals to harm.”

Seven-year-old Emma Bradford, who had not eaten anything sugary, said: “I hit Gerald in the face for no reason.”

Then she pointed to a table and asked “What’s that?” 28 times before deliberately running face first into a door and blaming someone else.

Professor Brubaker said: “”Sugar does virtually nothing. I just had a cup of tea with four sugars in it and it’s not like I’ve done an E. Everything is normal.

“Clearly there are chemicals that would affect kids’ behaviour. Really strong sedatives that make them into docile zombies, devoid of the spark and spontaneity of youth. Some people see that as a bad thing, but those people can afford boarding school.”

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Cameron to tackle homelessness with hyenas 

BRITAIN’S homeless people are to be eaten by imported carnivores, it has emerged.

Inspired by Ethiopia’s urban hyena problem, David Cameron plans to introduce 150 of the animals to consume those of no fixed abode.

Hyenas’ ability to eat their prey in its entirety, including bones and clothing, makes them ideally suited for urban cleansing.

The prime minister said: “We all know the best way to tackle homelessness is state sanctioned murder.

“I originally favoured the idea of turning tramps into a foodstuff called Soylent Green, but that was from a film so straight away you’ve got copyright issues.”

Tom Booker is a homeless person in Swindon, where six trial hyenas have been introduced: “Hyenas tend to use their energy in quite a linear way, so it should be possible to outwit them by running in a zig zag pattern.

“Actually wait, maybe that’s crocodiles.”