Harman and Mail are two sides of the same screeching moron, say experts

HARRIET Harman and the Daily Mail are two sides of the same unbearable coin, experts have confirmed.

Labour’s awful deputy leader is locked in a vicious paedo-smear battle with the insane newspaper which, according to millions of dreams, could destroy both of them utterly.

But experts described the conflict as ‘fascinating’ because both organisms share the same brain.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “They have separate corners of the brain where they ferment their stupid opinions but, like a bunch of bastard Shoreditch hipsters, they share a ‘hot desk’ and use the same hectoring photocopier.

“In terms of who’s right or wrong, at this stage it’s best to assume they’re both wrong. But be in no doubt, this is a battle for the soul of idiot Britain.”

Professor Brubaker stressed that people should feel no obligation to choose between the two as that could ‘drag this shit out for another couple of days’.

He added: “It’s BBC1 v ITV. It’s Hitler v Stalin. It’s Piers Morgan v Jeremy Clarkson.

“It’s not a choice. It’s a curse.”

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Cardiff players to begin standing at games

PREMIER League struggler Cardiff City has unveiled plans for its players to stand up during games.

In the light of last weekend’s 4-0 loss to Hull City and fan feedback, players will trial vertical positions for the rest of the season.

A club statement read: “Our research shows that many clubs already have their players standing during games and we would like to be at the forefront of that revolution.

“However the safety of our players remains our primary concern and we will still insist that they don’t compete for 50-50 balls or make sliding tackles.”

Hull exposed the weakness of Ole Gunnar Solskjaer’s sedentary team, running between the rows of Cardiff City deck chairs seemingly at will.

Many supporters chanted at Cardiff’s players to rise to their feet but when Wilfried Zaha did so he quickly became disoriented and had to be substituted.