WANT to cheat on your partner but don’t like getting grief for it? Science is your friend. Here are some great pseudo-scientific excuses for shitty male behaviour.
Men aren’t naturally monogamous
Men are meant to shag as many females as possible, resulting in lots of babies even if a few get eaten by wolves along the way, with the ultimate, noble goal of stopping the human race dying out. The only problem is that vast numbers of men aren’t untrustworthy, skirt-chasing sleazeballs. Maybe they’re a different species?
Men have more testosterone
Used to justify aggressive behaviour. But unless you’re taking mental amounts of steroids, humans have a thing known as ‘self-control’. Aggression doesn’t really stand up as an evolutionary trait either, since cavemen didn’t have Ford Transits to cut up other drivers and shout abuse from.
Men’s brains are more logical
Men methodically work through problems, and thus make good scientists and engineers, while women are nurturing and prefer babies, nursing ill people and fluffy kittens. However totally disbarring women from jobs like scientist may have affected their numbers. Just a wild theory.
Men needed to be violent in the past
History was brutal, and our ancestors had to protect themselves first from sabre-toothed tigers then other humans who discovered that swords were handy for helping yourself to cattle, crops, gold, slaves and women. However the average thug in a kebab shop isn’t protecting Carthage, he’s kicking someone’s head in because he’s shitfaced and f**king hates students.
Men have a natural urge to catalogue things
More oh-so-reliable pop neuroscience. Dreary hobbies like trainspotting are apparently the result of men’s love of lists and completeness. Hmm. Lots of women collect porcelain frogs, and we don’t say, ‘Your brain is hardwired to collect porcelain frogs. And those bloody hideous weeping Pierrot figurines.’
Men don’t have women’s maternal instincts
Recent studies suggest the ‘maternal instinct’ is not unique to women. Which is bad news for lazy men. Since you’re basically a big hairy mum there’s no excuse for not changing nappies and enthusiastically transporting your kiddywink in a naff Guardian-reader papoose. You should even think about doing a few household chores and putting the toilet seat down, now that you’re a woman.