MOST of the time your face looks relatively normal, if unattractive. So why does it make these weird expressions in front of a camera?
You were so close to having your picture taken successfully. You looked at the camera, smiled naturally, then your eyes went and f**ked it up by blinking. A full blink is bad enough, but a half-blink makes it look like you’re naturally ugly or concussed. At least it’s only been recorded forever for future generations to laugh at.
Smiling should be easy, you do it all the time whenever a colleague gets reprimanded. When a camera is pointed at you, though, your mouth forgets its lifetime of smiling experience and stretches into a horrifying, contorted shape exposing your teeth. You call it a smile, actually you look like Ed Miliband having an orgasm.
Pouting your lips into a duck’s bill looks ridiculous. You know this, and you scorn other morons who do it in photos. However you’re quick to U-turn on your morals after a couple of tequilas. Once they’re swimming through your system you’re convinced that pursing your lips and pushing them out looks sexy, even though you’re going home alone again.
Everyone thinks they look more attractive than they actually are. It’s an evolutionary self-defence mechanism to make cavemen confident enough to chat up cavewomen. That’s why it always comes as a crushing blow when you’re presented with photographic evidence of your flabby jawline that’s concertinaed into three chins. Surely your poor diet should be keeping your face lean and attractive?
Vacant death stare
Photos are often taken at happy times during your life, like standing in front of famous landmarks, or at least pretending to be happy as you wearily set up a dating profile. So how come you’re glaring down the lens like you’re getting your mugshot taken? You’re not a Native American from 200 years ago, hopefully, so the camera isn’t going to steal your soul.