Which dreadful clickbait are you falling for?

CLICKBAIT is incredibly hard to resist due to its clever psychological trickery and you being a gullible twat. Here’s our guide so you don’t have to click on it.

You won’t believe what actress X looks like now!

Except you will. They look like an actress who was in their 20s in the 1980s, but is now 35+ years older due to the linear nature of time. Disappointingly none of them has undergone a genuinely unbelievable transformation, such as becoming a cyborg.

Also because the actresses are invariably Jaclyn Smith from Charlie’s Angels and Erika Eleniak from Under Siege, you can just google them and save a lot of time while still being a sad bastard.

Quizzes you can’t fail

‘Can you answer 40 questions about World War 2?’. Yes you can, because the questions tend to be: ‘Was Hitler: (A) German; (B) American; (C) Martian.’

This game is what everyone is talking about!

Is it? Are people really talking about your shitty browser-based farming or castle defence game? Most of us have not noticed people in the pub or Costa passionately discussing Dwarf Master: Defence of Grondorak or a blatant rip-off of FarmVille cleverly called FarmTown.

In reality the only people talking about these games are probably the programmers, bitterly saying things like: “Man, I could have worked for Rockstar, but I’ve pissed my life away animating these crappy cartoon cows.”

Local millionaires reveal their secrets!

Or to put it another way, ‘Why not get sucked into our dodgy financial scam?’. These ads are almost always for ‘forex trading’, a skill-free way of betting on the foreign exchange markets if you sign up to a webpage that makes you feel like a proper stockbroker.

If you’re keen to lose your life savings you’d be better off placing random bets in Coral all day because at least you get a bit of exercise walking there and fag breaks.

She doesn’t know why the crowd is cheering!

Since this clickbait is invariably accompanied by a picture of an attractive, minimally-clad sportswoman, it’s safe to assume the answer to this enigmatic riddle is ‘tits’.

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Idyllic life on canal boat actually massive pain in the arse

LIVING on a boat appears relaxed but actually involves things like emptying a big box of your own excrement on a regular basis, it has emerged.

Tom Logan and Francesca Johnson purchased a narrow boat six months ago to experience a ‘change of pace’, which they definitely have due to the vast amount of extra stress.

Graphic designer Logan said: “I wish I hadn’t wanked on about how tranquil it would be because I can’t sleep at night for worrying about buying a home that’s constantly rotting away slowly.

“We couldn’t get a mooring in a gated marina so we’re out on the canal bank. It sounds nice in theory but towpaths seem to attract every kind of nutjob from pissed-up vagrants to psycho bastard cyclists.

“The actual boat is a nightmare. Initially we thought everything being so small was quirky and cute, but have you ever tried to turn a dining table into a bed after you’ve had five glasses of Merlot?

“Also I think I may have started to develop claustrophobia.

“Then there’s the toilet. After a couple of months of carrying what is essentially a suitcase full of our bodily waste out of the boat to be emptied we’ve stopped using it entirely and rely on pub toilets and bushes instead.

“It’s a bit like being homeless, but much more expensive.”