Windows 10 fails to get rid of depressing, slack-jawed face

USERS of the new Windows have complained about the ghostly, dead-eyed face that appears whenever the screen goes black. 

The so-called Deadface, which can appear on Windows phones, tablets or PCs, gapes expectantly at the user while being sickeningly free of any animation or life. 

Windows 10 promised to get rid of the Deadface, also reported on OS X, iOS and Android, but users are already complaining that the face is there and uglier than ever. 

Joanna Kramer of Ipswich said: “I updated to Windows 10 immediately because I wanted to get rid of that doughy, raisin-eyed halfwit face that haunts my dreams because it almost seems familiar. 

“But, much to my disappointment, it’s still there whenever I’m waiting for something to load and if anything it’s got fatter. 

“I want to punch it and never stop. I don’t know why I loathe it so.”

Reports of the Deadface vary in age, gender and race, but all observers agree it is offensively moronic and should stop its mindless staring and do something with its life. 

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Ask Holly: Keith Richards has been slagging us off

Dear Holly,

That Keith Richards has been going round saying Sgt Pepper was a load of shite. What a bloody cheek. Next he’ll be claiming that Magical Mystery Tour wasn’t a work of cinematic genius. I need to come up with a scathing retort, but the best Ringo has come up with so far is ‘come ‘ed, you old junkie cockwomble’. Obviously Ringo is a working class simpleton at heart and can’t be relied upon for any sort of articulate response. Any suggestions?


Mull of Kintyre

Dear Paul,

Why does everyone make such a big fuss about the 1960s? For starters, everyone back then was a heavy minger. They’ve all got boss-eyes and thick black spectacles, and buck teeth and no-one is being ironic or hipster about it. No one back then had ever even heard of a spray tan, probably because tans had been heavily rationed in the war. Everyone’s clothes look like they were made of curtains by someone called Fraulein Maria because Primark hadn’t even been invented and their music is a total rip-off of Oasis and Mark Ronson. It’s embarrassing really.

Hope that helps!