Moon blames its ‘dark side’ after going on bender

THE moon has blamed its well-documented ‘dark side’ after getting drunk for three days with its mates.

It said: “As recent NASA pictures clearly illustrate, I have a dark side. This means I sometimes do things that might be seen as stupid or irresponsible, often involving booze, because I can’t help it.”

The moon recently disappeared for 72 hours with its friends Venus and Jupiter, leaving its girlfriend Mars concerned and unclear of its whereabouts.

It added: “I’m like a character in True Detective, or Ben Affleck – a brooding mass of contradictions that struggles to reconcile the good and evil parts of its character.

“So there’s no need to have a go at me.”

However Mars said: “I could smell other female space rocks on him, I’m not stupid.

“He says he just gets a little crazy when he’s in eclipse, but he needs to sort his shit out.”

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Being overweight ‘can cause sanctimonious, idiotic advice’

BEING overweight can lead to bad advice from idiots who are suddenly experts on diet and exercise.

Researchers found that obesity causes 82 per cent of thin people to start giving sanctimonious, ill-informed instructions in a weirdly angry way.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “Obese people make others feel irrationally superior, as though being thin is an amazing achievement, like becoming an astronaut.

“The thin people will immediately offer incredibly bad and potentially dangerous advice such as only eating hard-boiled eggs, cutting out soup from your diet, or eating nothing but soup.

“They may also reveal that jogging leaves you in a wheelchair and the best sport for weight loss is golf.”

He added: “The advice is given in a pious way that also implies the obese person is a weak-willed cake-pig who’s trying to bankrupt the NHS.”

Office worker Tom Logan said: “I’m particularly grateful to my colleague Helen for constantly reminding me it’s just a matter of willpower, despite being a lazy cow who goes out for a cigarette 15 times a day.”