Yoghurt industry blamed for encouraging bacteria

THE yoghurt industry must start making antibiotic yoghurts or everyone will die, experts have claimed.

Scientist Mary Fisher said: “For decades scientists have waged a war with the yoghurt-makers, which for some reason thinks bacteria are great.

“With their shameless fostering of pestilence, these probiot-ists will send us back to the dark ages. They are the biggest bastards going.

“I especially blame Martine McCutcheon, whom I consider to be a traitor to mankind.”

She added: “In the 80s they tried to make yoghurts with syphilis in but we burned down the factory.”

A yoghurt industry spokesman said: “Science is wrong. Bacteria are our friends.

“One day massive cow-sized bacteria will rule the world and they will kill everyone who doesn’t like special yoghurts.”

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Thirtysomethings make half-hearted plan to meet up

SOME friends in their mid-thirties have made a vague, doomed plan to have a drink.

36-year-old Tom Booker called 38-year-old Stephen Malley to arrange going to the pub the following week.

Malley agreed that this was a good idea and that despite needing to check with his wife it would “be fine”.

Booker said: “I didn’t suggest a venue as that seemed a bit heavy. I just sort of left it that we would speak again.

“To be honest, during the conversation I started to wonder whether it was a good idea. It’s nice to see friends but going out is so tiring.”

Malley said: “Initially I was enthusiastic. I even suggested calling some other people, although I didn’t go so far as to name them.

“The upshot was that we both agreed that we were theoretically into going to an unspecified place, possibly as part of a larger group, on an unspecified date.

“It’s never going to happen.”

Booker said: “I think I’ll just not call him and hope he doesn’t call me.

“Somehow this all really makes me think about death.”