Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
No, lying in the garden with some secateurs doesn’t make you a landscape gardener. And if you stand up you’re not a portrait gardener, either.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This weekend, why not stand outside a Hoxton coffee shop with small bottles of Immac marked ‘Beard lotion – free sample’?
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your love of writing, dormant after years of work, marriage and family commitments, emerges once more. You’re just struggling to find a rhyme for the phrase ‘crippling divorce settlement’.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
On Monday you’ll have a urine test for LSD which you will pass with flying colours.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your favourite Goldie Hawn film that’s also an extreme way to get your girlfriend to dump you is Banger Sisters.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you’ll meet a wheat intolerant vegan atheist who tells you about it so quickly you travel back in time.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Why not spice up the next family gathering by slipping a few naked photos of yourself in the coat pocket of your cousin’s partner?
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
I’m not sure what Shakespeare play you think you saw last year but I don’t remember any of them featuring a rap battle between CBBC presenters.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You hired a cleaner to come in for a couple of hours a week back in March and this week they finally get the toilet looking presentable.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
No word from Channel 4 on your drama about a serial killer that buries body parts in various places called Location, Location, Location.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Tomorrow, somebody in the bus queue will call you an egomaniac. You won’t hear them use your name but it will be obvious they were talking about you.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Press the red button for…look, just press the red button. PRESS IT.