Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
No, lying in the garden with some secateurs doesn’t make you a landscape gardener. And if you stand up you’re not a portrait gardener, either.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This weekend, why not stand outside a Hoxton coffee shop with small bottles of Immac marked ‘Beard lotion – free sample’?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your love of writing, dormant after years of work, marriage and family commitments, emerges once more. You’re just struggling to find a rhyme for the phrase ‘crippling divorce settlement’.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
On Monday you’ll have a urine test for LSD which you will pass with flying colours.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your favourite Goldie Hawn film that’s also an extreme way to get your girlfriend to dump you is Banger Sisters.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you’ll meet a wheat intolerant vegan atheist who tells you about it so quickly you travel back in time.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Why not spice up the next family gathering by slipping a few naked photos of yourself in the coat pocket of your cousin’s partner?

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
I’m not sure what Shakespeare play you think you saw last year but I don’t remember any of them featuring a rap battle between CBBC presenters.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You hired a cleaner to come in for a couple of hours a week back in March and this week they finally get the toilet looking presentable.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
No word from Channel 4 on your drama about a serial killer that buries body parts in various places called Location, Location, Location.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Tomorrow, somebody in the bus queue will call you an egomaniac. You won’t hear them use your name but it will be obvious they were talking about you.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Press the red button for…look, just press the red button. PRESS IT.

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Dolphin pimps having another great year

FLORIDA’S dolphin-pimping businesses are enjoying a record-breaking summer.

The pimps, who hang around the waterfront offering tourists the deep meaningful experience of a lifetime, say they are just meeting a demand.

Dolphin ‘manager’ Tom Logan of Orlando said: “You come on holiday, you like the sun, you like the beach, but still you are looking for something aquatic on the side.

“We provide service for lots of British clients wanting, you know, some serenity.

“Me and my boat get you up close to some real friendly bottlenoses, you know what I’m saying. Real friendly.”

Swimming with dolphins is an unique spiritual experience for humans and a shameful one for dolphins addicted to easy fish.

Mary Fisher of Croydon said: “If you’d seen the way they swam alongside the boat, beckoning with their powerful flukes, you’d know the dolphins wanted it as much as I did.

“They were so slick, so smooth, so sensual. So what if I paid for it?”

Dolphin Stephen Malley said: “I click, I squeal, I rub up against them with a grin all over my face.

“Touching my blowhole is extra.”