Your house smells weird

YOUR house has a strange aroma that visitors cannot quite identify, it has emerged.

Researchers confirmed that all homes have a uniquely weird and off-putting smell that is unnoticed by its occupants but is immediately apparent to any guests.

Scientist Nikki Hollis said: “All houses smell wrong in their own way, usually of an obscure combination of things like stale oranges and decaying bark.

“The aroma is mostly disconcerting rather than outright disgusting, but it is there in your home, you can do nothing about it, and people will talk about it when they leave.”

Plumber Stephen Malley said: “I go in a lot of houses, and mostly they smell of wet leather, dead insects and old ham, with a veneer of some mountain-themed cleaning product.

“One client’s house smells like a fistful of horsehair than has been set alight and then doused with liquid marshmallow.

“They are all different, all weird.”

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Britain hoping for bumper Tower of London opium crop

BRITAIN is pinning its economic hopes on a record haul of grade-A heroin from the Tower of London.

Visitors have flocked to see the flood of red poppies in the moat around the Tower, marvelling at how much raw opium they will produce.

Economist Martin Bishop said: “The combination of unseasonably warm weather and plenty of rain should mean a smack bonanza.

“Buckingham Palace will take 20 per cent, but what’s left can pay down the deficit or be used by George Osborne to fund a pre-election tax cut.”

Meanwhile, London mayor Boris Johnson has demanded at least 20 percent of the smack funds to pay for Crossrail, while tube drivers have offered to distribute the drugs in lieu of a pay rise.

Bishop added: “And if all this was legal we’d make even more because we wouldn’t have to bribe the cops.”