You’re not having any more phones, clumsy little bastards told

CHILDREN who keep losing their phones will have to make do with traditional communication methods such as letters, parents have decided.

Parents Richard and Emma Muir are taking the radical backward step after their children appeared to believe it was normal to lose or break a fucking expensive piece of cutting-edge technology.

Emma said: “Our 13-year-old Nathan lost his iPhone yet again, so we got him a calligraphy set complete with a quill. That’ll teach him to piss away our money every few months.

“He’s learning an interesting skill and it’s hilarious watching him try to fathom out how an envelope works.”

The ‘no phones’ idea is now becoming the latest parenting trend, with mum Sandra Hollis forcing her daughter Nikki to use a 25-year-old Dell PC with a dial-up internet connection.

Hollis said: “The first time she heard the dial-up screeching she ran away crying and saying it was ‘full of ghosts’. Now she keeps complaining the touch screen doesn’t work.”

Other forms of communication used to punish careless children have included telegrams, 1940s Bakelite phones and, by particularly pissed-off parents, Morse code.

Emma Muir concluded: “If Nathan manages to lose or break his writing set there’ll be bloody trouble. And by that I mean he’ll have to learn semaphore.”