Entire UK to be deported for not keeping all their paperwork

EVERYONE is being deported to the Caribbean because they cannot produce an insane amount of paperwork proving they are British.

Anyone without detailed information about jobs they did in 1975 or who cannot find their birth certificate is being rounded up by the authorities, who will deport themselves later on.

UK Border Agency manager Norman Steele said: “Without bank statements from 1998 there’s no way of proving a white, 60-year-old postman from Chelmsford isn’t a yardie.

“We’re seeing a lot of this, in fact about 65 million cases. I’m being deported myself because I thought I’d got my birth certificate in a box in the loft but now I can’t find it.”

Home secretary Amber Rudd said: “I completely stand by the government’s immigration policies, even though I am being deported to Trinidad. Is that like Baghdad? I am quite fuckwitted.”

Millions of Britons are currently being herded onto ships bound for the Caribbean despite concern about where they will live, how they will survive and whether it is ‘really hot and sticky’.

Hairdresser Emma Bradford said: “I’m worried I don’t have a job in Jamaica and I’ve had to release my gerbils into the wild, but anything that tackles immigration is fine by me.”

Islamic extremist Abu Almeleji said: “I’m allowed to stay because I’m the sort of weirdo who’s kept every pointless letter about PAYE since 1990 in a big filing cabinet.”

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Iron Maiden fans somehow immune to self-consciousness epidemic

FANS of Iron Maiden are somehow unaffected by the self-consciousness epidemic sweeping the Western world.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “In an age where literally everything has to be arch, knowing, witty or retro, Iron Maiden fans somehow still don’t give a fuck.

“They just like their thing for what it is, their hairy backs aren’t a statement and when they wear double denim with a bumbag it’s in no way ironic.

“The rest of us will never achieve that level of enjoyment of anything, because our stupid aspirations have made us into dicks.”

46-year-old Maiden fan Roy Hobbs said: “I go to work doing a job I can’t even be bothered to describe, then I come home and eat either a pie or a casserole with my wife, who is also into Maiden, then we drink a couple of beers and listen to The Number of the Beast.

“We’re very happy. Why wouldn’t we be?”

Hobbs confirmed that he had no opinion whatsoever about stick-on moustaches, retro gaming, boutique camping, dieting, vintage things, banter, street food, garlic presses or Jude Law.

Professor Brubaker said: “Their houses may smell of feet and engine oil but they make everyone else in the country look like pretentious twats.”