90% of woman's workout is taking gym selfies

THE majority of a woman’s workout is lifting her iPhone in order to take pictures of herself working out.

Nikki Hollis visits her local gym at least three times a week to maintain her stream of Instagram selfies and occasionally use an exercise machine if there is time.

Office worker Hollis said: “It takes ages to get a flattering angle. On average I have to lift my phone up about 50 times per selfie session.

“If you think of my iPhone as a weight, that’s at least 50 reps, which is actually a pretty intense bicep workout. Unfortunately by the time I’ve finished getting a good shot there’s rarely time to exercise the rest of my body.

“It’s a bit disappointing to spend so much time at the gym and still feel so unfit. I’d take up jogging as well but the selfies always come out really blurred and unflattering.

“Don’t even start me on swimming selfies. Those were an expensive mistake.

“Exercising is a real pain now I have to disguise the fact that I have one big, muscular arm and the rest of me is still pretty puny. Hopefully it will all even itself out eventually.”

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How are you avoiding getting a round in?

NOT getting rounds in means you can enjoy all the fun of the pub with none of the expense. So what are the best ways to avoid putting your hand in your pocket? Read our guide.

Go to the toilet when it’s your round

Unfortunately this technique is well-known, so you’ll need an excuse. Say you’ve got a very weak bladder and frequently wet yourself, your bed and public transport. The chances of pulling anyone you fancy will now be zero, but saving £12.50 is what counts.

Claim a loved one has died

As your round approaches, check your phone and exclaim, ‘Oh no! Uncle Peter’s dead!’. No one will expect you to buy drinks and you can ask for expensive brandies to help you get over the ‘shock’.

Find weird distractions

Suddenly find something of extreme interest elsewhere in the pub, eg. historical prints. Say you’ve always been ‘fascinated’ by bottle kilns, even if this makes you the strangest 25-year-old on the planet.

Say you were mugged in the toilets

Claim someone pulled a knife on you and took your cards and cash. When your companions insist on telling the bar staff and calling 999, cynically say, “What’s the point? The police don’t do anything these days.”

Switch to soft drinks

After a few rounds, switch to soft drinks. No one will expect you to get a big round in if you’re drinking orange squash. Then be a devious bastard and switch back to alcoholic drinks whenever someone else is paying, saying, “I suppose one more beer wouldn’t hurt.”

Text in a bomb scare to the pub

Deeply irresponsible but will definitely get you out of buying a round. Strong possibility of a custodial sentence but everything in prison is free which will really save you some money.