18 things that are what she would have wanted

HER Majesty the Queen was a woman perfectly in tune with her nation and the nation was in tune with her. She would have wanted us to do all these things:

To have a gin in her memory tonight, and tomorrow night, and throughout the mourning period

To bet on the racing at Chepstow tomorrow

To find Royal correspondents contemptible

To sit about not doing a great deal, being waited on hand and foot

To binge watch House of the Dragon and/or Rings of Power in appreciation of the grandeur of monarchy

To renounce all other Kings and Queens as foreign abominations appointed not by God but by His dark reflection Satan, especially the Belgian ones

To put up with the cancellation of football matches which she gave not a bugger about

To gather at Buckingham Palace where she did not live and not to clutter about outside her real house, Windsor Castle

To wait a discreet few days before beginning the epic, lifelong castigation of the Duchess of Sussex

To wish her eldest son the best while expecting to be disappointed

To consume only products that are By Royal Appointment, including Golden Syrup, Quaker Oats, Tabasco sauce and Twinings Breakfast Tea

To watch Frozen Planet II with fellow national treasure Sir David Attenborough on Sunday night

To treat Australians and Canadians as real people and their countries as valid

To unveil a plaque outside a public building

To wear an outfit once and then put it in the wardrobe forever

To forthrightly tell prime ministers what you really think of them and their idiot plans for your country

To say the right thing in public and only say what you really think on the group chat

To have a day off week after next

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Man wondering if he can have a swan now

A MAN is wondering if he is allowed to have a swan now or if they have immediately passed to King Charles.

Nathan Muir, from Nailsworth, would like to know if the long-necked waterfowl are going spare and if he can take one home from his local river as a pet.

Muir said: “Everyone knows the Queen owned all the swans, but is Charles really going to want them? Her Royal Highness was a well-known animal lover, whereas he’s more into hippy shit like homeopathy and organic farming.

“Also, he’s going to be too busy learning how to be King to bother faffing around with birds. He’s got to practice his wave and train himself to stop trying to influence government policy and saying weird things about tampons.

“So I’ll just nab a swan from the stream round the back of Tesco and take it home for the pond in my garden. It’ll look well classy next to the novelty nude garden gnome.

“I know it might attack me, but, now the Queen’s gone, am I allowed to whack it on the beak with a shoe if it does? Only seems fair.”