America losing its shit way more than we are

THE USA has launched into a frenzy of grief and mourning over the Queen’s passing that far outweighs our own, it has emerged.

Royalist Americans are wailing in despair following the loss of a figure their country formally rejected but is the only thing about Britain they have actually heard of.

Jo Ann Kramer of Miami said: “Okay, so we have to clear the streets. Shut Disneyland. Close all the bars, and digitally add black armbands to reruns of the Friends London episodes.

“That’s what they’re doing in Britain, and we’re not being outmourned by a bunch of limey losers. Also it’s not respectful for Joe Biden to stay president because he’s Irish. She loved Trump so he needs to come back.”

Wayne Hayes of Harrisburg said: “We gotta start burning shit. Like this was the goddamn Queen, man. We need to make funeral pyres of at least three, four major East Coast urban centres that they can see from Europe, beginning with Boston.

“Also if you don’t sign a condolence book, and I mean in person, you lose your citizenship. Plus make Harry Prince of California and give him uncontested mining and solar rights.”

Jared Washington III, of Texas, agreed: “Could we renounce independence as a tribute to Her Maj? Just until the funeral at least. She would have loved that. Or maybe become a province of Canada?”

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Nation agrees that it would be a fitting tribute if Charles were to abdicate

THE UK has agreed that the perfect way for King Charles to honour his late mother would be to abdicate.

King Charles III, whose reign will be lucky if it sees a mere Silver Jubilee, is so manifestly in the shadow of perhaps the greatest monarch the country has ever known that it seems an appropriate gesture to step down now.

Royal expert Denys Finch Hatton said: “There is no shame in folding when one is holding a losing hand. Indeed, one can leave the table head held high.

“Technically Charles is King now, but there has yet to be a coronation. And need there be? Or can the former Prince of Wales be persuaded that Wales is about his limit?

“Like The Stone Roses post-John Squire, like The X-Files post-David Duchovny, like Manchester United post-Ferguson, sometimes it’s wiser to concede you’re no replacement for absolute perfection.

“None of us will hold it against you. We’ll admire you all the more for your courage and realism. At least William’s got time to grow into the role.”

He added: “And sir, if I can be so bold, you may take your Queen Consort with you.”