Man planning his own 21-gun salute with airbombs while hammered

A MAN is planning his own 21-gun salute to the Queen which will take place at midnight, in his garden, blind drunk and lighting fireworks. 

Steve Malley, aged 39, loved the late Elizabeth II and believes his neighbours in the suburbs of Selly Oak will appreciate his 21-airbomb salute in celebration of the reign of a woman who served her nation selflessly.

He said: “It might be more than 21 if I’m honest. In which case it’ll be even more respectful.

“What I’m planning is to get buzzed in front of the telly and get good and patriotic with all these tributes that are on, then when it’s gone dark and winding down I’ll stagger out to the garden.

“Then I’ll get the airbombs out of the garage – proper big bangs they make, Chinese-made, not your weak British crap – set them up in rows and light them three at a time.

“After each salvo I’ll stand back, salute, shout ‘God save the Queen!’ at the top of my voice and let the tears stream down my cheeks. I’m always weepy after 12 Stellas. It’s a wonderful tribute representing the whole nation, or at least that bit of it that’s round here.”

Neighbour Margaret Gerving said: “Oh, it’s for Her Majesty this time is it? Because he does this about every six weeks.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

News unrelated to Queen irrelevant and offensive

WORLD events which have nothing to do with the Queen are not to be reported because they are insignificant and impertinent, the British media has confirmed. 

Though they are rudely still happening, unfolding global events unrelated to the tragic loss of Elizabeth II are banned from British media due to their problematic and inconsequential nature.

News editor Norman Steele said: “A reverential world would come to a halt for the next ten days while Britain is in mourning. We won’t broadcast anything that can’t be worked into our rolling news packages of grief.

“Any reporting on the war in Ukraine or floods in Pakistan would see us inundated with complaints from outraged royalists. In their eyes these stories are trivial in comparison, and mentioning them would be a gross sign of disregard.

“We will be playing it safe by training our cameras on the gates outside Buckingham Palace and Balmoral until we get the all-clear. Even then we’ll tread carefully by regularly cutting back to the gates in case there’s been an update.”

Viewer Martin Bishop from Stevenage said: “I don’t care if a nuclear warhead is heading straight for London. If the four-minute warning interrupts our gloomy pageantry I’m writing a stiff letter to Ofcom.”