Stamps at half-mast

POSTAGE stamps with the Queen’s face on them have been lowered to half-mast as a mark of respect.

Following the announcement of the death of Her Majesty, the adhesive squares usually stuck on the top right corners of envelopes have been solemnly dropped to half-mast in tribute, according to tradition.

Onlooker Mary Fisher said: “I’d been waiting outside the gates of Buckingham Palace once I’d heard she wasn’t well. When the guards came out and commenced the ceremonial lowering of the stamps, I knew it was the end of an era.

“Throughout the country every Post Office has followed protocol, even the ones in WH Smith. It’s reassuring to know that despite everything – the Sex Pistols, Nintendo Gameboys, Naked Attraction on Channel 4 – the country retains tradition and composure.”

Royalist Denys Finch-Hatton said: “It’s this sort of pageantry, even during a tragedy, which Britain excels at. Everywhere you go, people are folding their banknotes lengthways so they too are commemorating the passing of an icon.

“In the run up to the state funeral expect to see the Royal Navy fire a 21-corgi salute, a condolence book posted to everyone celebrating their 100th birthday and a flypast by the Royal yacht. It’s what makes us great as a nation.”

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History knackering to live through

LIVING through monumental historical events is exhausting because they all happen at f**king once, Britain has agreed.

After a week that has seen massive changes in public life, which themselves have followed years of apparently once-in-a-lifetime events, Britons have agreed that history is tiring to actually attend and they could do with a few years off.

Tom Logan of Cardiff said: “History was dull as dogshit at school. But now I’m living through it in real time it’s actually demoralising and knackering, which is worse.

“Rather than being able to skim over tedious paragraphs about economic collapse and get straight to the good stuff like the Swinging Sixties, I’ve had to experience every grim development that’s happened recently firsthand. It would be great to have a day off.”

32-year-old Nikki Hollis from Sheffield said: “When the credit crunch happened I thought that was my little slice of history. Then Brexit and the three prime ministers it’s toppled in six years, then Trump, then the pandemic, and now I realise 2008 was the appetiser before the frantic main course.

“What I wouldn’t give to live through a nice boring year like 1995 when Blur vs Oasis was the main news event. Instead of the never-ending tumble into everything being f**king awful forever.”