28-year-old asks when she can stop pretending to like nightclubs

A 28-YEAR-OLD woman has asked how many more years she has to spend pretending to like nightclubs.

Francesca Johnson of Brighton has been feigning pleasure at being in hot, deafening basements filled with aggressive drunks for a decade, and fears there may be another decade to go. 

She said: “The night always begins somewhere pleasant – cocktails, dressed up, big mirrors and fancy chairs – but I don’t understand why it has to end with a literal descent to a red-lit hell. 

“It’s like a parable about the dangers of alcohol where if you don’t stop drinking early, you’ll end up queuing for 40 minutes for a piss while men in polo shirts grind up against you to the sound of David Guetta. 

“Drugs make it bearable, but I can tell nobody’s enjoying this any more than I am. Why can’t we just stop?”

Johnson added: “Oh, I get it. This is why people have babies.”

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Man’s library consists entirely of books off the telly

A MAN’S interest in literature is limited to  tie-ins with TV programmes.

Roy Hobbs only owns books like The Countryfile Handbook, Doc Martin novels and a humorous companion to Have I Got News for You? not written by any of the people on it.

Hobbs said: “A good book can transport you to a completely different place, like last night when I was reading James May’s Amazing World of Trucks.

“I’ve got quite varied taste in books. Detective shows, cookery shows, light entertainment – I’ll read about any of those as long as I’m familiar with the basic concept from the telly.

“I’ve tried some of the ‘proper’ writers like Dostoyevsky, but Crime and Punishment was garbage compared to Nigel Slater’s Warming Winter Suppers.

“The best thing I’ve read recently was The Strictly Come Dancing Book 2015. It’s a really gripping account of a pro-celebrity dance competition, full of memorable characters like Jeremy Vine and Carol Kirkwood.”

He added: “I’m a big fan of the screenwriter Jane Austen, but her novelisation of Pride and Prejudice was a bit wordy. TV’s really her medium, but she could always go on a book-writing course.”

Hobbs has also acquired a number of rare TV books, including Gambler’s Bluff, an out-of-print spin-off novel based on the 1985 series Dempsey and Makepeace.