Monday, 3rd August 2020

A guide to today's statue topplings

FOLLOWING the relocation of a slave trader’s statue to the bottom of Bristol harbour yesterday, here’s a quick guide to today’s statue topplings: 

Arthur Forwood, St John’s Gardens, Liverpool

19th-century Tory politician, merchant and shipowner who with credentials like that had to be up to his neck in it. Statue will be brought down by a cheering crowd then dragged to the Albert Dock to be submerged in a location handy for the International Slavery Museum.

Oliver Heywood, Albert Square, Manchester

A banker whose family fortune was built on the slave trade, the statue will be toppled to the sound of Hacienda classics DJed live by Graham Park, because Mancs aren’t doing it if it’s not a party, then dragged into the river Irwell from which it will stick out embarrassingly.

Sir Winston Churchill, Parliament Square, London

War hero prime minister who was also something of a racist dickhead who the British public were always rather doubtful about at the time. Pulled down then thrown into the spreading lake of Tommy Robinson’s heartfelt tears for this country, which he’s livestreaming.

Amelia Opie, Opie Street, Norwich

Bit of a f**k-up in which a renowned anti-slavery campaigner’s statue is brought down because she’s clearly from that era and looks like one of them types. Left leaning against the branch of Subway up the road with a note of apology.

Margaret Thatcher, Houses of Parliament, London

Toppled by a raging mob of extremist Tory MPs who can never forgive her for taking Britain into the abject slavery of the European single market. Stamped on, beaten and thrown into the Thames by a cheering, if slightly confused, crowd.

Queen Victoria, everywhere

The ultimate colonial who ruled half the globe with an iron fist, there are too many statues of Queen Victoria and not enough mobs to deal with them. Help out by breaking off a bit whenever you pass one and chucking it in the canal.