Airport sniffer dog demands power to confiscate delicious meat products

A SNIFFER dog has demanded new powers to seize sausages, biscuits and other snack foods.

Spaniel Tom Logan, whose main role is to find drugs, believes that meat-based products should be added to the list of things that must be removed from travellers’ luggage for further examination.

Logan said: “People don’t realise the dangers caused by tasty cured meats. For example, you could use one of those big Chorizo sausages as an offensive weapon.

“Really that should be handed over to me so that I can take them into the corner of a room and examine them with my mouth while growling at anyone who gets too close.”

Logan added that he had really gone off cocaine lately: “When I find a big bag of the stuff they always give me a line as a treat.

“I don’t even like it. I’d rather have a Hob Nob.”

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Tax scandal reminds man that it would be nice to have a job

THE offshore tax avoidance scandal has reminded a man that earning enough money to pay tax would be quite nice.

Wayne Hayes, an unemployed engineer from Salford, has been following the Mossack Fonesca story with a sense of nostalgia for when he last had regular paid work.

Hayes said: “Much like an offshore shell company, I haven’t paid any income tax for years, though in my case it’s because I haven’t had a job since 2011.

“I got all misty-eyed thinking about the first time I completed a self-assessment form for HMRC. I wonder how long it will be before I have to do that again. Probably when I get another job.”

Hayes said he understood how challenging it must be for some people to keep track of all their finances, though he added that he himself had not experienced this particular difficulty, having not had a pay slip in five years.

He continued: “The six-figure sum David Cameron got from his parents is a bit like my Jobseeker’s Allowance, which is also tax-free because it’s fuck all.

“Still, I shouldn’t be annoyed because that would be the politics of envy.”