Angry Parents Forced To Spend Six Hours Tobogganing

PARENTS reacted angrily yesterday after it was revealed they had been forced to spend all day with their children for no reason.

Thousands of schools remained shut despite improving weather conditions, leaving millions of parents standing in the freezing cold at the top of a slight incline, wishing they were dead.

Tom Logan, a Croydon estate agent, said he was unable to arrange emergency childcare adding: "I even tried the foul-smelling Scotsman outside the off licence who stands there all day shouting 'fuck you' at parked cars.

"Unfortunately he was really busy, so I got the sledge out of the attic and repeatedly dragged my daughter up a small hill.

"From the top I could see the pub where all the single people with no kids were having an unexpected mid-week skinful. They looked so cosy and pissed.

"After about six hours I could take no more, so we went home and spent the rest of the day watching Barney videos. Big fat purple twat."

But Julian Cook, a head teacher from Birmingham, defended the closure of his school, adding: "It's my round, what are you having?

"They do a lovely Rioja, here taste it. You see what I mean? Very quaffable. And, I'm sure you'll agree, much better then being stabbed in the bollock with a compass by some 12 year-old shit."

Meanwhile the London transport system is today expected to return to its normal service of soul-destroying inconsistency.

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Christian Bale's American Accent Gets Even Worse

FILM fans were last night given a sneak preview of Christian Bale's worst American accent so far.

A recording from the set of Terminator Stagnation revealed snippets from the actor's latest tour de force of badly mangled syllables.

Bale first inflicted his dreadful accent with the darkly comic American Psycho, while in 3.10 to Yuma he played an Arizona rancher who seemed to have spent a huge amount of time in south London.

But it was his Batman performances, where he switched between two equally appalling accents, that made critics sit up, take notice and ask why the part wasn't given to an American.

Bale is in the vanguard of a new wave of British actors who have taken Hollywood by storm with their astonishingly bad attempts to sound like Americans.

Film critic Tom Booker said: "He's certainly getting worse, there's no question of that. He now sounds like a child playing cowboys and Indians. Marvellous.

"He's definitely as bad as Hugh Laurie, though perhaps still not quite as awful as Eddie Izzard, but he is getting there. And who knows, one day he may even be as bad as Bob Hoskins."

But Booker dismissed the idea of British roles for British Actors, adding: "These accents must be allowed to flourish. They are little works of art. A bit like a someone playing the trumpet really badly."

Meanwhile the recording also revealed that Bale remains a miserable, aggressive prick who is unable to handle the stress of being paid millions of pounds for dressing up and playing pretend.