“OI you, saggy flaps!” I shouted at the trolley dolly as she walked down the aisle to serve one of my six bodyguards, “I think you’ll find that this is only a triple measure of Jack and I specifically asked for a quadruple. Be a luv and bring us the bottle.” Jesus, here I was heading to the States for the most important gig of my life only to find that Grannie’s Flight is employing hostesses from the Helen Keller School of Dozy Bloody Arseholes.

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