Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I am a 57 year-old ‘cougar’ with four children and two failed marriages behind me. Until recently I had given up all hope of finding love again. However, during a recent holiday to Turkey with my good friend Barbara, something amazing happened. One minute, Me and Babs were in a bar, shimmying on down to Candyman by Christina Aguilera, taking care not to get my cardi snagged on Barbara’s mobility scooter; the next, I was melting in the arms of a charming 19-year old sex-pot-with-a-six-pack called Murat. Although we’d only known each other for 20 minutes, Murat had already declared his love and asked about how he might arrange a British passport so we can spend eternity together. All this despite the fact I weigh 18 stone. Do you think it’s too soon for us to get a joint bank account?

Dear Doris,
That sounds like the time Andrew Harris convinced the whole class that he had a real, live tiger in his back garden, when in fact it was just his dog with a stripy rug sellotaped to its back; or the time my parents promised me and my big sister a ‘fun’ family holiday in Hunstanton, which actually turned out to be a miserable week trapped in an airtight caravan with my flatulent granny teaching us every card game known to man; or indeed, the time I thought I was getting a bargain by paying £1.50 for  Sharon Eccles’ Tiny Tears doll that turned out to be massively incontinent and had to go in the bin after just one day. You may have picked up a recurrent theme here, which is basically that things which appear too good to be true invariably are too good to be true. I suggest you bid farewell to Murat, unless you want to run the risk of something terrible happening, like being chased through a back alley by an angry Alsatian wearing a carpet,
Hope that helps!


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Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Enough is enough. Jeremy Bowen must reinstate his moustache.

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Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
What you want, baby I got it. What you need, you know I got it. All I’m asking is for two proofs of address. A recent utility bill is fine.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
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Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
By learning French, restoring your cottage using local artisan craftsman, respecting the architectural integrity of the region and throwing yourself into local life, you’ve ensured the lifelong hatred of all your neighbours for being such a smug prick. And that’s a Frenchman calling you smug, mind.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
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Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
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