Appeal of little dogs remains mysterious to everyone except little dog owners

RESEARCHERS into the phenomenon of tiny dog ownership have been unable to fathom why you would want one of those things in your house.

The Institute for Studies has been working to understand why some humans choose to share their homes with what is essentially a toupee that defecates.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “When you look across the spectrum of tiny dogs, they are quite diverse but all equally revolting.

“There’s the pale, spindly ones that are like nightmarish burrowing things, and the shaggy greasy ones that are basically small, bony wookies.

“Also the fucked-up snuffly ones whose eyes fall out if you don’t pick them up a certain special way.”

He added: “They should exist only in Tim Burton’s nightmares. Why you would want to exchange money for one, take it home, call it ‘Bambini’ and let it lick your is beyond comprehension.”

Tiny dog owner Nikki Hollis said: “I think maybe the reason I like mini dogs is because I was a witch in a former life. It’s basically the nearest thing you can get to a familiar.”

Professor Brubaker added: “Perhaps the only social group stranger than small dog owners are husky owners.

“There the dynamic of weirdness is reversed in that the husky is not an unappealing beast but the people who keep them, well, you wouldn’t want them getting on your bed.”

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Things so shit that Christmas seems almost appealing

THE tidal wave of woe sweeping the UK is such that ordinary, sane adults are actually quite looking forward to Christmas.

Christmas, or fucking Christmas as it is more commonly known, is the annual festival of spending a week in a hot room full of people with whom you have little in common except genetic material.

Traditionally it is viewed with contempt by fully grown humans.

But as Meryn King announced the death of western civilisation while making his severest ‘severe penguin’ face, thousands of angry public sector workers picketed Guardian website message boards and also hasn’t it gotten cold all of a sudden, the prospect of fucking Christmas became quite enticing.

Factory worker Tom Logan said: “This is the first time I’ve really been up for Christmas since I got pubic hair.

“We will gather and we will eat and we will look at screens and most of all, we will forget.

“The country will stop imploding for a week or two while we assemble in our cosy little snow-covered house, like something from a Charles Dickens book but with added Call of Duty sessions.”

Teacher Stephen Malley said: “I’m very concerned about the way things are going globally, so I’m genuinely looking forward to immersing myself in the Peter Kaye book that I invariably get given.

“Even though it will contain few genuine revelations as Kaye’s life is by now more extensively documented than that of Christ.

“Anyway, I will chortle heartily at his reminiscences about slot machines and types of mint that they don’t make any more, idly sticking dried fruit pies into my head. Not even caring as my children play some new electronic game that makes a gratingly repetitive ‘zoop’ noise for nineteen hours at a stretch and my wife cries in the toilet for some mysterious reason.

“Yeah. Christmas.”