RESEARCHERS into the phenomenon of tiny dog ownership have been unable to fathom why you would want one of those things in your house.
The Institute for Studies has been working to understand why some humans choose to share their homes with what is essentially a toupee that defecates.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “When you look across the spectrum of tiny dogs, they are quite diverse but all equally revolting.
“There’s the pale, spindly ones that are like nightmarish burrowing things, and the shaggy greasy ones that are basically small, bony wookies.
“Also the fucked-up snuffly ones whose eyes fall out if you don’t pick them up a certain special way.”
He added: “They should exist only in Tim Burton’s nightmares. Why you would want to exchange money for one, take it home, call it ‘Bambini’ and let it lick your face..it is beyond comprehension.”
Tiny dog owner Nikki Hollis said: “I think maybe the reason I like mini dogs is because I was a witch in a former life. It’s basically the nearest thing you can get to a familiar.”
Professor Brubaker added: “Perhaps the only social group stranger than small dog owners are husky owners.
“There the dynamic of weirdness is reversed in that the husky is not an unappealing beast but the people who keep them, well, you wouldn’t want them getting on your bed.”