THE government has executed thousands of thickset men following an announcement that was construed as an April Fool’s Day stunt.
Appearing on the April 1 edition of BBC One’s Sunday Morning Live, prime minister David Cameron described how his deep-seated loathing of males with mesomorphic body types had escalated to the point where he simply had to have most of them killed.
Cameron said: “Whenever you’re watching the news, if there’s been a bad crime, most of the time it’s been done by someone with a neck wider than their head.
“Honestly. I’m being serious now. They’re like troglodytes or something.
“Therefore we are sending out the wagons today across the UK – soldiers with guns and dogs will be taking down the stocky. The aim is to reduce the UK’s stocky population by around 75%.”
Housewife Nikki Hollis said: “I was watching the show, tittering slightly at what I thought was Cameron’s typically half-baked stab at humour, when the doorbell rang.
“It was five men with body armour and rottweilers asking for the whereabouts of my husband Vince, who works nights as a bouncer.
“Without thinking, I said he was asleep upstairs. They immediately unleashed the dogs which bounded up to the bedroom and tore him to shreds.”
Civil rights campaigner Roy Hobbs said: “Well, it’s done now, isn’t it?
“I suppose it was all pretty ingenious.”