Ferguson removes Dalglish mask

ALEX Ferguson has confessed that he has been managing Liverpool for the last 15 months.

After Liverpool’s defeat to Newcastle dropped them below an Everton team that cost less than one of Stewart Downing’s ineffective limbs, the cunningly-disguised Manchester United manager realised that he may have taken things too far.

Ferguson said: “I knew everyone with a Scottish accent sounded the same to youse lot, but I credited you with more sense than thinking Kenny would honestly let Jonjo Shelvey near a football for any other reason than selling one in the club shop.

“There have been times when it’s been difficult to keep an extremely sour-­looking straight face and I had to keep nipping to the toilets for a giggle during most of our transfer negotiations.”

The deception was revealed after latex-masked Ferguson felt that his aim of mid­table awfulness had been achieved, but some have questioned his logic of steering Liverpool to a League Cup this season.

Ferguson said: “The only way people know that you’re aiming for mediocrity is if you hit it, and a penalties win against Cardiff City in a competition even Sunderland rest players for is the very definition of footballing ‘meh’.”

Liverpool will appoint head coach Steve Clarke as caretaker manager once he has provided some ID proving he isn’t Gary Neville in disguise. The board also claims to have secured the services of Pep Guardiola for next season.

Wearing a hooded top and large sunglasses, Guardiola told reporters: “Aye, it’s proper banging I’m managing the bin dippers next season, I’m mad for it, me, our kid.”



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Madonna 'putting young fans at risk of The Shamen'

PARENTS’ groups have accused Madonna of promoting Mr C to impressionable children.

Madonna’s new album MDNA combines sledgehammer-subtle drug references with poppy dance beats and bad rapping, which some parents believe is a deliberate reference to potentially damaging 90s act The Shamen.

Emma Bradford, who has two pre-teen daughters. said: “As a parent who necked shitloads of pills ‘back in the day’ I can’t really complain if my kids do the same. But I can, and must, stop them getting into The Shamen.

“By marrying house beats to shit drug puns and fetish-wear, Madonna is clearly channelling Shamen frontman Mr C, even if she doesn’t have the integrity to admit it.

“I just hope she’s proud of herself when my kids end up as bleach-blonde cockney rappers in Daniel Poole cyber-wear.”

Father-of-two Tom Logan said: “Shortly after buying Madonna’s new album my 11-year-old daughter came and asked me if I had any ‘Vera’s’.

“When I asked her what ‘Vera’s’ were she replied, ‘you know, Vera Lynns, skins. Nice one geezer.’

“The penny dropped when she did a ‘big fish, little fish’ dance on the kitchen table then gave the cat a back massage with Vick’s Vapo Rub.

“I’ve told her that when she’s moved out, she can make her own informed decisions about music but if there’s any mention of ‘coming on like a seventh sense’ on my watch, she’s going straight into care.”

He added: “I don’t actually hate The Shamen, in fairness they were well aware of their own ridiculousness. On balance they are much less troubling than a geriatric culture vampire whose oddly muscular physique gives her the aspect of a carp in a fright wig.

“However I’ve only just got the chorus of L.S.I. (Love Sex Intelligence) out of my mind and there’s no way I’m letting it back in.”