ALEX Ferguson has confessed that he has been managing Liverpool for the last 15 months.
After Liverpool’s defeat to Newcastle dropped them below an Everton team that cost less than one of Stewart Downing’s ineffective limbs, the cunningly-disguised Manchester United manager realised that he may have taken things too far.
Ferguson said: “I knew everyone with a Scottish accent sounded the same to youse lot, but I credited you with more sense than thinking Kenny would honestly let Jonjo Shelvey near a football for any other reason than selling one in the club shop.
“There have been times when it’s been difficult to keep an extremely sour-looking straight face and I had to keep nipping to the toilets for a giggle during most of our transfer negotiations.”
The deception was revealed after latex-masked Ferguson felt that his aim of midtable awfulness had been achieved, but some have questioned his logic of steering Liverpool to a League Cup this season.
Ferguson said: “The only way people know that you’re aiming for mediocrity is if you hit it, and a penalties win against Cardiff City in a competition even Sunderland rest players for is the very definition of footballing ‘meh’.”
Liverpool will appoint head coach Steve Clarke as caretaker manager once he has provided some ID proving he isn’t Gary Neville in disguise. The board also claims to have secured the services of Pep Guardiola for next season.
Wearing a hooded top and large sunglasses, Guardiola told reporters: “Aye, it’s proper banging I’m managing the bin dippers next season, I’m mad for it, me, our kid.”