Archbishop Of Canterbury Loses Mind

THE Church of England was under temporary management last night after the Archbishop of Canterbury lost his mind during an interview with the BBC.

The Right Reverend Rowan Williams surprised colleagues when half way through the recording he stripped down to his underpants and spread his legs so wide that each one was draped over an arm of the chair.

Britain's most senior clergyman then pointed to his groin, nodding slowly, before claiming that Jesus was a hefty, black woman and challenging everyone in the room to punch him in the stomach.

Holding his hand over a burning candle, the Archbishop said: "The thing about me, right, is that I'm always pushing the outside of the envelope. I'm always challenging pre-conceived ideas.

"You say Jesus was a thirty-something Jewish guy with a beard. That's fine, but I'm saying he was an 18 stone woman from Harlem. Are you saying I'm wrong? Do you want wrestle me? Is that what's going on here?"

He added: "You say we need rules. I say why? You say we need clothes. I say why? Punch me in the stomach. Do it!

"You want to make women dress up in big sacks, that's cool. You want to chop off a few hands, stone a few gayboys. That's your bag and I'm down with it."

He then grabbed the BBC reporter by the lapels and said: "Are you afraid to get naked with me boy?"

The Archbishop then ran from the room, removing his underpants and shouting: "Look at it! Look at my dancing penis!"

Reverend Williams was later spotted running into woodland near Gravesend where he is believed to have spent the night.


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Leave It To The Scooby Doo Gang, Says Top Cop

POLICE officers are good at hitting people in the mouth with truncheons but should leave catching criminals to the kids from Scooby Doo, a top policeman said last night. 

Sir Ronnie Flanagan said he had examined a series of cases in which ghosts had scared people away from old funfairs so their owners were forced to sell out to unscrupulous property speculators.

Each time the investigating officers had failed to work out that the ghost was the local developer using a sheet and a torch, until it was explained to them at the end by Fred and occasionally Thelma.

Sir Ronnie said: "These officers seemed to think it was either a real ghost or the angry, weird old man who ran the fair. But why would he want to scare his customers away? It was his business."

He added: "Recently Hetty Wainthrop was asked to investigate the disappearance of a deaf-mute called Malcolm. It transpired he was on the run after witnessing a police officer murder an ex-lover.

"Not only did she find Malcolm, but she did so after a superintendent had assigned the murderer to work with her on the case. There is only one word for that: appalling negligence."

Sir Ronnie said his review of police working practices showed that amateur sleuths such as Jonathan Creek, Jessica Fletcher out of Murder She Wrote and that new one with Stephen Fry, had a much higher clear-up rate than trained detectives.

He is recommending the police hand over a range of duties to civilians allowing officers to concentrate on sleeping with the local brasses for free, shaking down drug dealers and shooting electricians in the face.