Are you a massive school run wanker? Take our quiz

RECKON it’s fine to park in a disabled space because you’d get a ticket for stopping right outside the gates? You could be a school run wanker. Find out here.

Do you drive your child to school despite living within easy walking distance?

A) No. We walk to school together, enjoying the fresh air and sighing at the queue of SUVs we pass on the way.

B) Yes, because Bella is such a precious, delicate darling that she can’t walk more than 50 metres without needing a sit down. Oh, hang on, that’s me.

Do you park in an antisocial way that pisses off other people?

A) On the occasions I do drop the kids off on the way to work I let them out at the end of the road. There aren’t scores of child abductors hiding in bushes, are there, really?

B) Look, it’s not my fault if there’s nowhere to park right outside the gates. Anyway, disabled people and those who don’t like having their drives blocked shouldn’t live next to schools.

Do you leave the car idling while you watch your kid go through the door?

A) No, and I discreetly key the cars that are do this. Especially the one belonging to that nasty piece of work who spends ages gossiping while her car pumps out petrol fumes.

B) Yes, obviously. I’m an important person who needs to leave immediately. Unless I stay for a 40-minute chat through the window with my friend Janice, though.

Do you get annoyed with other people doing exactly the same thing as you?

A) What, strolling to school looking daggers at the bellends in awful cars? No, it creates a wonderful sense of camaraderie with other parents and children on foot.

B) Yes, it’s incredibly irritating when you’re trying to navigate your Range Rover Evoque around a queue of 17 other Range Rover Evoques. Do these bloody idiots think of anyone except themselves?

Is your vehicle far too large for the task?

A) My legs are perfectly sized, thank you. And extra toned because I’m not a lazy f**ker who can’t be arsed to walk their kids to school.

B) We need loads of room for me, Bella, her school bag and the massive, entitled chip on my shoulder, so no, it’s not.

Answers

Mostly As: You aren’t a school run wanker, but you’re teetering on the brink of being a smug twat. Annoyingly park on a double yellow occasionally to stop being so bloody superior.

Mostly Bs: You’re lazy, selfish and most definitely a school run wanker. Your pampered little shit of a child will grow up to be exactly the same. As will their children, and their children’s children, leading to endless generations of school run wankers. Well done.

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Steve Bray 'could have played more dubstep', agrees parliament

PARLIAMENT has agreed they would not have silenced anti-Brexit campaigner Steve Bray if he had mixed it up occasionally with a dubstep set.

Following the police seizure of Bray’s sound system yesterday, MPs have admitted his pro-European protest would not have been shut down if he had dropped in a few Skrillex tracks or a bit of Katy B.

Andrea Leadsom, member for South Northamptonshire, said: “There’s nothing worse than DJs dedicated to ‘educating the crowd’ with inaccessible material. Read the room.

“If Bray had played more cuts and breaks, done a bit of scratching, worked us up with the Chrispy remix of Rude Boy and then, when he’d got hands in the air, hit us with his anti-Brexit stuff, he’d have got more of a reception.

“But instead of a bit of dubstep, a touch of reggaeton, a swerve into funky house and maybe even some electro, he was just Brexit Brexit Brexit all day long. No wonder he lost us.

“Look at Diplo. You can’t pin him down musically and he’s holding down a residency in Vegas. Bray simply isn’t on his level. He’s never even played Fabric.

“Nobody’s questioning his passion but we weren’t with him on his soundscape journey. The vibe was dead. We’ve booked Four Tet for the next party conference instead.”