WANT to end a friendship by leaving a voice message? Do it in the most irritating way possible:
Make it long
When it comes to the number of minutes, you’re aiming for double figures. Although go further as you build up stamina. Ideally you want the recipient to let out a yelp of horror when they glance at the runtime of your message, or mistake the number for the time if they receive it in the afternoon.
If you’re going to be succinct you may as well send a text. To make the most of the voice message form, lean in and express every dumb idea your meandering brain has to offer. If you lose your train of thought? All the better. Your listener will cherish your stream-of-consciousness until you get back on track.
Never cave in
If the person you’re blaring at replies to your slew of monologues with a text, always respond vocally. Especially if they’re asking an urgent question like ‘I’m locked out, can you let me in?’ or ‘can you please call the fire brigade?’ Hearing your dulcet tones as you waffle on about something completely unrelated will calm them down.
You’re free to bail out of a message that gets interrupted, but that doesn’t mean you should. Instead, use the intrusion to pad out a lengthy voice message even further. This gives you an excuse to follow up with multiple, rambling apologies for wasting their time, or you could go one better by describing your interaction with a barista in mind-numbing detail.
Keep your foot on the pedal
Leaving one voice message is irritating enough. But for maximum damage send eight in a row, each longer and more pointless than the last. Then, when they’ve worked their way through the backlog, finish them off with one final speech about your personal tax return or your uninformed opinions about NATO.
Do it publicly
Why limit your dickishness to the recipient when you could piss off a few strangers while recording your message? Experiment with blathering away loudly as you queue at the supermarket, or during the full length of your train journey in the quiet carriage. Your irksome monologue won’t pause for breath because you won’t let another person speak.