BRITAIN spent last night staring at the ceiling with its duvet clutched tightly under its chin.
People across the country are now waiting in the dark for black clad villains – who are probably also policeman – to use a master key to enter their houses and inject them with one of those drugs that makes it look as if you have had a heart attack.
As the phone scandal thingy claimed its first life, police said nothing would be suspicious ever again, while Rupert Murdoch prepared to give a parliamentary committee a thin smile and a sinister, knowing look.
A spokesman for the News Corp chairman said: “It’s totally like a film, isn’t it?”
Ordinary members of the public agreed wholeheartedly and said it would be even better if it was made into a high-quality drama series by the wonderfully talented people at 20th Century Fox.
Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, said : “I love all of their films and TV shows. Everything else in the world is utter rubbish. And thank goodness the Guardian doesn’t do telly. Can you imagine how awful that would be?”
John Whittingdale, the Tory chairman of the Commons culture, media and sport committee which will grill Mr Murdoch later today, said: “First of all I will apologise to him, then I’ll sing him a song and then I’m going to ask him a series of probing questions about how he became so splendid.”
But experts stressed that even if Murdoch has started killing people it does not explain why the country’s two most senior police officers have resigned, the prime minister is probably next and Murdoch looks set to lose control of his empire, thereby suggesting there is an even darker and more powerful force controlling all of this.
Julian Cook, professor of conspiracies so crazy they must be real at Roehampton University, said: “At the risk of sounding like Prince Philip, I suspect it’s the Chinese guy from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.”
Meanwhile, police will today begin pretending to investigate the death of former News the World reporter Sean Hoare while setting fire to all of his stuff as Neil Wallis and Glenn Mulcaire erase his mobile phone messages after getting the go ahead from Ian Edmondson who will have been given tacit approval by Andy Coulson who will at no point have discussed it with Rebekah Brooks or James Murdoch who in turn would not waste Rupert Murdoch’s time with such trivial matters because he is too busy having meetings with his Chinese puppet masters.
A police spokesman said: “Be. On. Your. Way.”
Phone scandal thingy round up: Day 14,008
Metropolitan Police Assistant Commissioner John Yates resigned because it was long, long, loooooooooooooooo (breathe) ooooooooooooooooong overdue.
Guardian journalist Nick Davies has taken to wearing a titanium breast plate and a concrete hat.
Nick Boles, a Tory MP and News International freelancer, described the hacking of Milly Dowler’s phone as ‘a little local difficulty’, giving the Labour Party a really good idea for an absolutely fucking humongous poster.