Avocados, takeaway lattes and other things young people must buy to save the economy

BRITAIN is in a recession, so it’s up to young people who frittered their money like idiots a couple of years ago to kickstart the economy by purchasing these vital items.


Lazy millennials foolishly stopped buying avocados after being widely ridiculed for it, and now look at the state the country is in. Instead of trying to scrape together a house deposit they will never be able to afford, they should put their money back into the economy by investing in fast-expiring stone fruits. Britain will be back to the boom time of mid-noughties austerity before we know it.


Kirstie Allsopp may have been completely right that cancelling Netflix will allow young people to get on the property ladder in no time, but she failed to factor in how valuable the arts are to the UK economy. Regardless of whether they own a bedsit or sleep under a bridge, the yoof must be made to spunk £7.99 a month on a site you’ll be genuinely amazed has so little you want to watch.

Takeaway lattes

High street coffee shops are the lifeblood of the UK economy, not that young people seem to know this. Having abstained from the temptations of Costa and Starbucks in favour of pointless food, shelter and treats like dental care, Britain’s youth need to be ordered to purchase a venti latte with a shot of vanilla to go. What else are they going to do with that £4.25?

Holidays abroad

It sounds counterproductive, but jetting off to Magaluf or Zante actually pumps much-needed money back into the nation’s dusty coffers. The scourge of being eco-aware and unable to afford a holiday has deterred young people from this national income stream for too long. From now on the government must fly everyone under 25 to a Mediterranean island and force them to catch chlamydia or we’re destined for a depression.

Fast fashion

Thriving economies are not built on clothes that are made to last. They rely on the constant consumption of thin T-shirts and poorly-stitched jeans pumped out by a Chinese sweatshop. If young people are not doing a weekly shop of Shein shit in Primark then they should consider themselves failures and traitors, and be executed as such.

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Rutland, and other British counties that can't be real because you've never been there

WHERE the f**k is Rutland? And who has ever heard of Denbighshire? You’ve never been to these places, so they must be made up.


Wedged between the Forest of Dean and Shropshire, Herefordshire is something of a mystery. Is it England or Wales? Who knows, or cares? You probably went to university with somebody from there who never returned, and now lives in London where they can have access to things like culture and foreigners.


There’s a mystery bit of the UK, north of London and west of Coventry, that nobody really goes to unless they have the misfortune to live there. It is here that Rutland lies. You haven’t heard of it, let alone visited it, and that is absolutely fine, given the only thing it has going for it is a massive wetland nature reserve. It only got a McDonalds in 2020, which tells you everything you need to know.


Has the name ‘Denbighshire’ ever entered your consciousness in all the years you’ve been alive? No? Well, you’re not alone. This allegedly real place is a county in Wales and its only claim to fame is that it is home to Rhyl, Britain’s shittest seaside town. Don’t bother visiting. You’ll only regret it.


You have heard of Lincolnshire, but if someone put a gun to your head and told you to find it on a map, you wouldn’t be able to. However, you could find Skegness, which is Lincolnshire’s most famous town, but mostly for being synonymous with terrible holidays at Butlins. They should just cut around the county line and push Lincolnshire out into the North Sea. Nobody would miss it.


Is Cumberland a county or a unitary authority? Nobody seems sure, as they’ve been fannying around calling it different things on and off for years. It’s somewhere in the north, but all anybody thinks about when they hear the name is sausages. Big, curly sausages. Is that something to be proud of? Unfortunately, it’s all they’ve got.


This strange word with its excessive consonants will confound your mind until you realise it’s in Scotland, and then it all starts to make sense. Though geographically close to England, ‘Clacks’, as they call it, feels culturally very far away, and you know you’d feel more at home in Uzbekistan than somewhere with such a bizarre name. Not that it matters, you’re never going to go there.