Bank Holiday escape ruined by family coming too

A MAN’S plan for a ‘Bank Holiday getaway’ has been ruined after his wife and children decided to tag along.

Salesman Tom Booker was excited by the idea of hitting the coast this weekend, only to realise that he would be accompanied by his wife and children.

Booker said: “When I said I was going, they just got in the car with me, as if they expected to be invited by default.

“Now I’m stuck in the car with them. They keep saying things to me. It’s hell.”

Booker’s wife Susan said: “This is going to be the perfect Bank Holiday weekend, if only I can ditch my loser husband and go off with a hot lifeguard.”

The Booker children confirmed that they will hate this trip even more than their parents, and that they plan to run off and join a cult.

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'Sadist' leaves millennial a voicemail

A MILLENNIAL has been reduced to a state of panic after discovering he had a voicemail.

22-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “I got a phone call from a weird number. I googled it, and apparently it was a landline, whatever that might be.

“So I let it ring out, but then I got a text saying I had a voicemail.I had to read it three times to make sure. Surely nobody is that unhinged?

“My first instinct was to delete the text and pretend it never happened, but then I couldn’t get rid of the little red dot sitting over my phone icon. It started to haunt me.

“I vaguely remember someone old once saying ‘if it’s urgent, they’ll leave a voicemail’, and so I gathered all my strength and called to hear it. I’ve never been so freaked out in my whole life.

“It was just the sound of someone hanging up. What kind of monster does that?”

Hayes had been considering taking legal action but lawyers informed him that this ‘isn’t America’ and to ‘get a fucking grip’.