Being outside not the same as exercise

SITTING on your arse in the garden delivers no more health benefits than sitting on your arse in the house, it has emerged.

The weekend heatwave saw the nation shift itself by as much as 20 feet to an outdoor chair while convinced that fresh air would somehow reduce body fat and build muscle.

Print manager Tom Booker said: “Good for you to get outdoors, innit? We had Friday night out the back putting a case of Coronas away, Saturday was the big barbecue, and on Sunday we went for a roast in a pub beer garden.

“But how come I’ve put on a stone when I was wearing a football shirt the whole time?”

Francesca Johnson of Nottingham said: “I went for a walk and had to cool myself down with two white Magnums and a Cornetto Enigma. When the weather’s like this you need regular ice cream to keep you hydrated.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The majority of sporting activity takes place outside, but that does not mean that what takes place outside is necessarily sporting activity.

“For example lying under a tree eating crisps while idly hoping sexy girls in halter tops will invite you to join their rounders game make no difference at all to fitness levels.”

Lathe operator Wayne Hayes said: “My weekend was all sport, viewing through the living room window while I sat in the garden with a huge cardboard tub of breadcrumb-coated chicken parts.

“Today I have a healthy, sweaty glow.”

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Britons face terrible pressure to be good at things

ANDY Murray’s tennis victory has put ordinary Britons under immense pressure to be less shit, experts have warned.

Workers who previously had no difficulty getting away with utter mediocrity have already reported increased levels of expectation.

Swindon-based Tom Logan said: “Immediately there was a text from my boss saying ‘Let’s ace tomorrow’s sales figures, the sky’s the limit!’ Jesus.

“I don’t want to excel, like most people in this country I want to do the bare minimum and dick about a bit on the internet.

“The England football team had been excellent role models – basically turning up and wanking it out with deeply average results.

“That’s the level of achievement I’m comfortable with. This whole ‘winning’ thing seems new and weird.”

Office administrator Mary Fisher said: “I have a bad feeling about all this, like I’m now going to be expected to do stuff. Apparently my team leader at work is already ‘inspired’ and my husband wants to try some athletic new sex things.

“Murray could have come second, everyone would have said nice things and felt a moderate amount of pride. But no, he had to go for the glory.

“Everyone’s talking about him like he’s some sort of hero, but I think he’s a very selfish man.”