Benefit Cheats Very Good At Lying, Warn Experts

BENEFIT cheats are accomplished liars who would relish the challenge of a polygraph test, experts warned last night.

As the government outlined plans to use lie detectors to catch illegal welfare claimants, psychologists said a new breed of heroes was about to emerge in Britain's rundown housing estates.

Dr Wayne Hayes, of Reading University, said: "I have no doubt that by end of next year there will be 'Trump' cards listing number of tests completed, illegal money accumulated and of course 'best ever lie'.

"They spend a great deal of time constructing their lies, co-ordinating them and then embellishing them with the most wonderfully authentic details.

"I sometimes think it must be a bit like watching Michelangelo painting the Sistine Chapel."

He added: "Of course they also spend a huge amount of time lying to each other. Partly because it helps them to hone their skills, but also because they're sleeping with each other's horribly tattooed baby-mothers."

A government spokesman said: "The lie detectors will be state-of-the-art, but just to make absolutely sure we will be testing each of them using Jacqui Smith."

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Nationalised Banks To Pay Government Fines With Taxpayers' Money

BANKS controlled by the public which do not lend the public money will have to pay a fine using public money.

Ministers believe the only way to get the credit system moving again is to give billions of pounds to the banking sector and then threaten to take it back from them, bit by bit, in multi-million pound fines.

Chancellor Alistair Darling said: "We will use the money raised from the fines to recapitalise those banks that have been forced to pay very heavy fines.

"The banks must then use that money for lending and if they don't they will be fined.

"We will then use the money raised from those fines to recapitalise the banks that have been fined and if they don't lend that money they will be fined. Again."

Mr Darling said those fines would then be used to recapitalise the banks that had been fined before he was interrupted by a senior Treasury official.

The chancellor was then wheeled into the corner of the room where a heavy woollen blanket was draped over his head.

Meanwhile, Tom Logan, an overdraft holder from Peterborough, said: "By all means please do stop me if I'm being a total and utter fuckwit, but if we control the banks and we know what the banks are supposed to do, why can't we just tell them to do it?"