Government To Bail Out Pathetic Lapland Theme Park

PETER Mandelson has added the pathetic Lapland theme park to his list of businesses that must be saved.

The business secretary insisted the ludicrous attempt at recreating Santa's magical wonderland was essential to Britain's economic future.

He added: "Christmas is the most businessy time of the year and nothing is more important than Christmassy businesses.

"Future generations are unlikely to forgive us if we do not save at least one tawdry hellhole where they can dump their children for six hours while they continue their search for cheap alcohol."

But opposition parties said the government should not be in the business of picking business winners and stressed that the Lapland theme park was unbelievably pathetic.

A Lib Dem spokesman said: "It's basically two garden sheds and a stuffed badger with a Comic Relief nose.

"The 'elves' are obviously just drunk, angry Welshmen while Santa is a foul-smelling Polish gentleman who lets the children sit on his knee but then gives them a flyer for his plumbing business."

Other firms on Lord Mandelson's list include Corbett and Barker's Stationery and Saddle Emporium, the Coventry and District Pigeon Mart, Betamax Video Recorders-R-Us and the Daily Mirror.

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Israel And Palestine Sign Peace Deal To Prevent Clinton Visit

ISRAEL and Palestine last night signed a hastily arranged peace deal in a desperate bid to prevent a visit from Hillary Clinton.

Israeli foreign minister Tzipi Livni, and the leaders of Hamas and Fata made a video conference call to Mrs Clinton stressing there was absolutley no need for her to get involved when she becomes Secretary of State.

Livni said: "Everything's fine. These guys are a hoot, I love them. We're actually thinking about going skiing together."

With her Palestinian counterparts nodding vigorously in the background, Livni added: "So there's really no need for you to come here at all. Why not try India and Pakistan?"

But last night the Indian and Pakistani governments stressed they were making excellent progress towards a lasting solution and that Mrs Clinton would really be wasting her time.

A Pakistani government spokesman said: "Loving the Indians. Nice people, helluva cricket team. Perhaps Mrs Clinton should focus on Africa."

Within half an hour the governments of Sudan, Rwanda, Zimbabwe and the Democratic Republic of Congo produced a joint statement pledging to solve their respective conflicts and stressing they did not want Mrs Clinton to pack a suitcase for no reason.

A Sudanese government spokesman said: "It's all good here. Never better. Darfur? Darfun more like. Seriously we're fine, go and talk to Russia."

A Kremlin spokesman said last night: "Don't even think about it, you annoying cow."