Free Sex Marginally Better Than Pizza Hut

HAVING free sex with your wife is now slightly better value than Pizza Hut, according to a new survey.

In a YouGov survey of 2,000 married men, 89% said the recession had made marital intercourse slightly better value than a £24.99 tasting platter, a large, stuffed crust pizza and a bowl of spaghetti carbonara.

However, 24% said the £5.99 'all you can eat' midweek buffet was still a good deal compared to five minutes of sweaty, grudging tedium.

Tom Logan, married to Jill for 13 years, said: "We've had to cut back to Freeview, which means we've lost Sky 1 and the Richard and Judy Channel.

"So at least two nights a week you're forced to choose between just sitting on a chair and staring at the wall or going upstairs and doing the deed."

He added: "And it's not really free either. Tesco value condoms are 38p a pop, but at least you can economise by rinsing them under the tap or turning them inside out.

"The sex is your basic, entry level humping. If I want anything special I have to save up my dole money and buy her some ice cream."

The UK's top five cheap entertainments:
(Last year in brackets)

1. Sex with wife (-)
2. Pizza Hut (1)
3. Chasing gypsies round the town square (2)
4. Vodka-fuelled amateur surgery (-)
5. Dressing up the dog and acting out scenes from Return of the Jedi (4)

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My Big Gap Year

Dispatches from Poppy Spalding


LAST week, I had meant to go to Cambodia to further my investigations into Gary Glitter, but reconsidered after reading on My Space that DJ Rico was playing practically a stone’s throw from my hostel in Hanoi this weekend: Saturday night at the Lotus in Bangkok.  Coincidence? I think not.

I abandoned my important charity work and leapt aboard a flight to the 'kok, all the while listening to his latest track. Unbelievably, DJ Rico wrote it in under 10 minutes and was inspired by the poetry of Sylvia Plath. It's called Dance to the Beat of the Rhythm of the Words. He is so talented and deep. I defy anyone to even read a poem by Sylvia Plath, let alone write a totally banging acid-house anthem about the experience.  

Everywhere in Bangkok there are skinny English blondes with great tans, no doubt here to try and get their hands all over DJ Rico. It's probably them that are making Thailand smell the way it does (of fish). I am sharing a hostel dorm with three of them, and an American guy who wears a sarong.

On my first day, I went to the internet café and met this totally friendly local boy called Fox. We discovered we had loads in common and then he gave me a massive bag of Xanax for just 200 Baht. His generous actions are so typical of the Thai people. Fox and I took like ten Xanax and I played him Dance to the Beat of the and – surprise, surprise – he thought it was fucking genius!

I totally love it here, which is just as well after DJ Rico did a no-show for his live set because of some problem at the airport. Fox was so disappointed that he left the city and went back to his parent's farm, but in an act of undying friendship he did leave me a further fourteen bags of Xanax, for a bargain 15,000 Baht. I was forced to spend time with the dullards in my hostel who keep banging on about the airport.  "I know", I said, "I can't believe he let me and the whole of Thailand down like that." I played them a bit of Dance to the and gave them five Xanax each, which calmed them down a bit.

I think I might stay here and possibly live in a hut in Phuket with the sarong guy and his metrosexual buddies. Although I have to say he was much more fun when he wasn't spending all day trying to get through to the American embassy. He looked deep into my soul and said I had amazing eyes. I was wearing my shades at the time but it is true: my eyes are my best feature. I think that in many ways Thailand is the answer I've been looking for on my travels and yes, perhaps even to life itself. Namely: Why can't everyone just chill out all the time? That is what makes Bangkok the greatest city in the world.