Anti-Ageing Creams Are 98% Bullshit, Say Scientists

WOMEN'S anti-ageing face creams contain up to 98% bullshit, according to a new study.

Scientists who analysed a series of leading creams and ointments found that while they did not prevent visible ageing to any measurable degree, they did cost an awful lot of money.

According to the study Oil of Olay's Oil of Aloe was 97% bullshit, 2% washing up liquid and 1% Cup-a-Soup.

Loreal's Splendesse V-20 was a mixture of axle grease, marketing pish and brilliant white emulsion, possibly from Homebase.

Meanwhile Garnier's Ultra-Stop-Nature-System did contain trace amounts of vitamins G, M and L but was mainly pig fat and desperation.

Dr Stephen Malley, of the Institute for Studies, said: "The cosmetics industry has invested heavily in research and development to identify exactly the right level of scientific bullshit to use in their adverts.

"The most successful phrases so far are 'anti-oxidisational', 'firmness retention system' and the utterly meaningless combination of number and letters that is 'Derma-factor XJ-30'."

He added: "You'd be as well rubbing paté into your face or wrapping your head in clingfilm."

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Police Kick Hell Out Of David Cameron

DAVID Cameron has become the latest Tory to receive a sound beating at the hands of the police.

The Conservative Party leader was set upon by three officers on Friday night as he walked home from his local pub in Oxfordshire.

Footage obtained by the Sunday Mirror shows Mr Cameron asking the officers if they had been busy, adding, 'I hope you're not going to arrest me'.

The three officers then chased the Tory leader briefly before pinning him to the ground and beating the absolute shit out of him.

Eyewitness Wayne Hayes said: "Two of them held his arms and legs while the biggest one kept banging his face against the tarmac and then punched him repeatedly in the back.

"The whole time I'm thinking to myself, 'what has he done to deserve this, apart from not having a coherent response to the global economic crisis?'"

Mr Cameron said last night: "It was nothing more than a bit of playful banter. It does worry me that the leader of the opposition cannot enjoy a night in the pub without having his face smashed in by the police."

Home secretary Jacqui Smith denied any knowledge of the plan to knock hell out of Mr Cameron insisting the officers were only supposed to push him around a bit and maybe give him a slap.

She also dismissed accusations of 'Stalinist' tactics, adding: "I would say it's more like Castro's Cuba or Chile under General Pinochet."