Stupid Hats Everywhere

BRITAIN was awash with stupid bloody hats yesterday as the temperature dipped below freezing for the first time this winter.

As the cold snap entered its third day trainee solicitor Julian Cook wore a brightly patterned Inca hat with his business suit that made him look like he had escaped from a mental hospital.

In Colchester accountant Tom Logan went for the retro communist look with a cheap Russian-style fake fur hat from Millets. Everyone said he was an arsehole.

Meanwhile, in Glasgow one young man wore a Fair Isle patterned wool skullcap teamed with a grey duffel coat and red cord trousers until he was beaten to death by a blood-thirsty mob.

Henry Brubaker, head of hats at the Institute for Studies, said: "So far today I have seen a beret, two homburgs, a boater, a pirate hat, five sou'westers, two panamas, a pith helmet and a bearskin.

"These are all perfectly nice hats but they should only ever be worn indoors."

He added: "Unfortunately too many people these days are using cold weather as a way of expressing their unbearable personalities.

"If it is very cold and you are tempted to go out wearing one of your stupid bloody hats, don't forget that you may end up being shoved under a train."


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The Purge Begins

THE Prime Minister last night began the elimination of his enemies as he pledged to cleanse Britain of the virus of dissent.

Crowds cheered and threw rotten fruit at Conservative MP Damian Green as he was dragged from his bed in the early hours by the Prime Minister's anti-treason officers.

The traitor Green was questioned for nine hours before confessing. His whereabouts are now unknown though Downing Street said he was in a place where he could do no more harm.

More arrests are expected today as Mr Brown makes an example of all those who would seek to destroy our faith in his wisdom and kindness.

According to Downing Street the Prime Minister questioned Green personally and was able to secure the names of more than 20 co-conspirators after the application of electrodes and a small wet sponge.

A spokesman said: "Listen well, treacherous scum. We know where you live.  Do not try to hide from us. You will simply prolong your inevitable journey into the realms of pain."

He added: "All of those who have at any time questioned the Prime Minister's actions and judgement must surrender immediately.

"We can then begin the joyful process of re-ordering your thoughts and returning you to full productivity."

The people have welcomed the purge with many leaving bouquets and gifts outside Downing Street. Meanwhile primary school children in Reading have made a collage depicting the Prime Minister cuddling a baby horse.