THE End of Days has brought death, demons and pestilence to the planet,
leaving many mid-sized UK towns the same or slightly better.
As predicted by an insane old man, the Rapture descended shortly after Doctor Who on Saturday.
Britain’s dozen or so Christians were transported to a lovely garden on a cloud with soft beanbags, friendly wildlife and Enigma playing at ambient volume, while the country’s remaining humans began an eternity of torment.
However the resulting lakes of fire, jet-black skies and plagues of demonic entities have gone largely unnoticed in the hundreds of already depressing towns spread around the UK.
Tom Logan, from Bridgwater, said: “There’s a stench of sulphur, an atmosphere of terrifying hopelessness and someone or something just tried to bite my face off.
“All present and correct for a Saturday night in Bridgey. I noticed a bit more fire than usual but I find flames quite soothing.”
Nikki Ellis, of Derby, said: “I saw a group of lost souls in tattered clothing, gibbering and frothing at their mouths. But that was on Friday and it was the queue outside Cash Converters.”
Mother-to-two Emma Bradford lives in Penzance, where a horde of creatures straight out of the painting Garden of Earthly Delights is on a bloody rampage.
She said: “They’re scaly and bulbous-headed and they soil the streets with their demon fire-piss.
“And then they have a kebab.”