Biblical apocalypse leaves much of Britain unchanged

THE End of Days has brought death, demons and pestilence to the planet,
leaving many mid-sized UK towns the same or slightly better.

As predicted by an insane old man, the Rapture descended shortly after Doctor Who on Saturday.

Britain’s dozen or so Christians were transported to a lovely garden on a cloud with soft beanbags, friendly wildlife and Enigma playing at ambient volume, while the country’s remaining humans began an eternity of torment.

However the resulting lakes of fire, jet-black skies and plagues of demonic entities have gone largely unnoticed in the hundreds of already depressing towns spread around the UK.

Tom Logan, from Bridgwater, said: “There’s a stench of sulphur, an atmosphere of terrifying hopelessness and someone or something just tried to bite my face off.

“All present and correct for a Saturday night in Bridgey. I noticed a bit more fire than usual but I find flames quite soothing.”

Nikki Ellis, of Derby, said: “I saw a group of lost souls in tattered clothing, gibbering and frothing at their mouths. But that was on Friday and it was the queue outside Cash Converters.”

Mother-to-two Emma Bradford lives in Penzance, where a horde of creatures straight out of the painting Garden of Earthly Delights is on a bloody rampage.

She said: “They’re scaly and bulbous-headed and they soil the streets with their demon fire-piss.

“And then they have a kebab.”

 

 

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Britain's skies unprepared for massive volcanic cloud AGAIN

DAVID Cameron has pledged a full-scale inquiry as it emerged that British airspace is unable to deal with an enormous volcanic cloud for the second year in a row.

As Iceland’s Grimsvoetn volcano spewed its holiday-destroying guts into the air, Britain was yet again unprepared for what experts described as perfectly normal ash cloud conditions for this time of year .

But after last year’s ash cloud debacle it emerged that Britain still has:

NO stockpiles of grit to melt ash clouds;

NO state-of-the-art volcanic cloud ploughs;

NO massive, sky-based hairdryers to blow the ash cloud towards places no-one goes on holiday, such as Denmark or Belgium.

The department of transport insisted the country had enough medium-sized cloud ploughs to keep one or two major flight paths open but inevitably there would be problems in small pockets of local airspace, preventing thousands of decent hard-working families from taking their microlights to the shops.

Helen Archer, a housewife from Stevenage, said: “I spent £1.7m on an ex-Soviet Mig 29. It’s just a little run-around, but a few a flakes of Icelandic ash and it’s stuck in the garage.

“Someone deserves to die for this.”

A spokesman for budget fucking bastards Ryanair said: “The UK government knows there are volcanoes in Iceland, it knows they go off at this time of year and yet they cannot even encircle Britain and much of continental Europe with 50,000 solar-powered helicopters suspending an 8,700 mile long anti-volcanic cloud tarpaulin.”