Big fat Scottish guy to sort out troubled families

TROUBLED families will be helped by a great big Scottish bloke who is taking none of their shit.

The government has unveiled a £400m plan which will involve hiring 300 Scotsmen who are over six foot tall, weigh at least 17 stone and have had it up to here.

The project will tackle issues such as addiction, crime, poor health and unemployment by quietly and calmly bundling people off a train.

Prime minister David Cameron said this kind of coordinated action could ‘work wonders’ especially if there is the implicit threat of the big Scottish man following you on to the platform and kicking the hell out of you.

He added: “Each year these families cost the taxpayer more than £9bn so we’re going to put them all on a train between Glasgow and Edinburgh and give them just enough cider to get them nice and cheeky.

“We will then unleash Big Alan Pollock and his gigantic colleagues.”

Mr Cameron said the project would be limited initially to bundling people off regional commuter trains, but if the pilot scheme is successful they could eventually be manhandled into drug programmes, healthy living classes and low paid jobs.

He added: “If all goes well we will soon have thousands of huge angry Scotsmen dragging people from their homes and marching them to a fruit farm or a call centre as they flail pointlessly in his vice-like grip.

“Meanwhile unemployed people with smart phones could video it and then try and claim some advertising money from YouTube.”

Cracking his massive knuckles, Alan Pollock said: “I am totally fucking up for this.”

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High streets still the best place for a drunken fight

THE government has laid out its vision of a modern high street based around Britain’s love of fighting.

Under sweeping plans to revive the nation’s ailing town centres, high streets will be re-branded as ‘recreational combat areas’.

A government spokesman said: “In these difficult times it’s important to focus on what Britain is passionate about – violence. Clumsy, drunken, flies-down stumbling-about violence with no clear motive or purpose.

“As retail declines, 63% of people who visit town centres do so mainly for a fight and drinking, in that order. So we’ve created a leisure concept around that.”

Recreational combat areas will feature throw-able paving slabs, covered regions for all-weather fighting and full-length reinforced mirrors for those who want to punch their own reflection.

The spokesman added: “Shops will be limited to men’s clothing outlets selling ‘fighting wear’ – slip on shoes, brightly patterned button-down shirts with things like ‘Club Exclusive’ written on them and big chunky rings that lead to interesting facial scars.

“Existing chain bars will be conflated into one massive pub called Punchy Joe’s, with a vague Australian outback theme, that will run the entire length of a high street and have a Jagermeister fountain.

“Best of all we will pay people with distinguishing characteristics, such as jug ears or high-pitched voices, to come into town simply because they make the best targets for an opportunistic kicking.”

The spokesman also paid tribute to the report by ‘retail guru’ Mary Portas insisting she had ‘nailed it’ with her revelations about how out-of-town shopping centres have affected town centre shops.

He added: “It’s almost as if people have been going out of town, and shopping. In centres.

“She also suggested that car boot sales could be an answer. Which they are, if the question is ‘where can I buy some stolen trainers and a VHS copy of that Jaws film with Michael Caine in it?'”