TROUBLED families will be helped by a great big Scottish bloke who is taking none of their shit.
The government has unveiled a £400m plan which will involve hiring 300 Scotsmen who are over six foot tall, weigh at least 17 stone and have had it up to here.
The project will tackle issues such as addiction, crime, poor health and unemployment by quietly and calmly bundling people off a train.
Prime minister David Cameron said this kind of coordinated action could ‘work wonders’ especially if there is the implicit threat of the big Scottish man following you on to the platform and kicking the hell out of you.
He added: “Each year these families cost the taxpayer more than £9bn so we’re going to put them all on a train between Glasgow and Edinburgh and give them just enough cider to get them nice and cheeky.
“We will then unleash Big Alan Pollock and his gigantic colleagues.”
Mr Cameron said the project would be limited initially to bundling people off regional commuter trains, but if the pilot scheme is successful they could eventually be manhandled into drug programmes, healthy living classes and low paid jobs.
He added: “If all goes well we will soon have thousands of huge angry Scotsmen dragging people from their homes and marching them to a fruit farm or a call centre as they flail pointlessly in his vice-like grip.
“Meanwhile unemployed people with smart phones could video it and then try and claim some advertising money from YouTube.”
Cracking his massive knuckles, Alan Pollock said: “I am totally fucking up for this.”