PLANS for the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee will include a speech of unimaginable filth.
Palace officials, keen for the celebrations to capture the mood of the nation, confirmed the monarch will deliver a 12-minute address during which she will use all of the recognised swearwords plus at least three that have been specially commissioned to mark her 60 years on the throne.
A spokesman said: “It will be based mainly on fuck and some finely-crafted fuck derivatives. Her Majesty has also asked the Royal Company of Speechwriters to build a theme around the word ‘cocksucker’.”
The speech will also include a two minute sequence where the backdrop will show images of a range of ‘Great Britons’ from politics, business, the arts, science, sport and entertainment while the Queen labels each of them with a foul-mouthed insult.
The spokesman added: “So you’ll see a 30ft high image of, for example, Sir Richard Branson and the Queen will just say ‘c**t’.”
The Queen will deliver her speech at the jubilee concert at Wembley in what is expected to be the least broadcastable event since Gary Glitter hosted a live episode of Minipops in 1983.
Profane diamond jubilee memorabilia has been commissioned for the event, including a ‘Fuck The Fucking Commonwealth Right up the Fucking Arse’ tea towel and a pair of oven mitts which when placed together will show the Queen and Prince Philip standing side by side by side and the words ‘shit off’.
The jubilee plans also include a series of official holidays for the Royal Family with Prince Charles and Camilla thanking the waiters of Barbados, William and Kate paying tribute to the jumbo prawns of the South Pacific and Prince Andrew getting yet another free lap dance in a gangster’s private whorehouse.
Meanwhile the Palace also unveiled plans for the Queen’s official jubilee transport including a barge made from cushions and a throne-shaped balloon.
And on Jubilee Day her Majesty will be paraded through central London on a space hopper that is strapped to a 14ft high motorised paper-mâché elephant.