Blood-Soaked Revolution To Start At Noon

BRITAIN'S long-awaited bloody revolution will begin at noon today, after MPs voted to keep their £24,000 second home allowance.

Despite repeated warnings that a vote for the generous expenses package would lead to their certain deaths, 146 Labour MPs and 24 Tories backed the measure which will allow them to buy whatever they want with your money.

Regional organisers say the first priority will be to put together a series of medium-sized lynch mobs to hunt down local MPs and drag them to the town square where they will be pelted with thousands of £1 coins.

One group in the North East plans to tie its MP to a chair and then take the 42-inch plasma screen television he bought with public money and drop it on his head from a large crane.

Meanwhile those cabinet ministers, already on a basic salary of £138,000, who voted for the second home allowance, are expected to be paraded on the back of a cart to Regent's Park Zoo and then thrown to the polar bears.

Bill McKay, a regional organiser from Lincolnshire, said: "In the midst of rising household bills, looming recession and job losses, the only reasonable response to this kind of thing is ravenous bears."

He added: "Of course, once we've despatched the MPs we will then need to form a provisional government held to account by some sort of democratically elected chamber.

"It will be a demanding job, involving lots of time away from home, so a large, unaccountable expenses package will probably be necessary.

"Personally, I'd quite like a flat in Bayswater with granite worktops and a power shower."

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Britain Absolutely Cannot Wait To See 'Mamma Mia'

BRITAIN was absolutely bursting with excitement last night at the prospect of going to see Mamma Mia this weekend.

Everyone has agreed that it looks completely brilliant and just what they need after a long, hard week at work.

film critic Julian Cook said: "It's basically about this really pretty girl who is getting married on a Greek island and wants her father to be there but her mother is this dirty old slapper with a heart of gold who has no idea who the father is so she invites the three guys she thinks might be the father and one of them is Pierce Brosnan looking absolutely lush.

"The girl is really angry at her mother for being such a filthy skank and they fall out but then she realises that all three of the guys are really really nice so it doesn't really matter which one is her father because now they're all one big happy family and she even forgives her mother because she realises that she's not an old whore but just a larger than life character who's in love with love and likes being humped.

"And if all that wasn't totally brilliant enough, it's absolutely full of Abba songs. At this point, right, I am trying so hard not to just totally piss myself."

He added: "Anyway, I'm going to go and see it with the critics from the Times and the Independent and we are going to sing our tits off all the way through.

"Then we're going to go for a pizza and d'you know what? We're going to get everyone in the restaurant to sing Waterloo. We totally are and it's going to be totally brilliant."