READING is turning young people into homosexuals, it emerged last night.
Researchers have identified clusters of gayness around well-stocked school libraries and quaint market towns with independent bookshops run by two middle-aged men who live together.
According to latest figures only 40% of UK children live in households with 10 books or fewer, including instruction manuals and catalogues for replica samurai swords.
Now all parents are being urged to slash their book numbers in a bid to avoid an upsurge in the most dangerous forms of poovery.
Illiteracy campaigner, Bill McKay, said: “Parents need to be made more awarerer of the bad effects of reading.
“When you think about it, the crease between the pages of a book looks like a man’s arse cleft. If you squint, the words even look a bit like hairs.
“So letting your kids read books is like encouraging them to stare for hours at a bloke’s crack, which is enough to make Jason Statham put himself up Danny Dyer.”
He added: “Also, some books are very hard to read and hard things aren’t fair. I don’t see that there’s anything my kids need to know about life that they can’t learn from Metal Gear Solid.”
John Steinbeck’s Of Mice and Men was recently removed from school syllabuses after it was discovered to be a predatory homosexual.
Parent Emma Bradford said: “It’s about these two blokes in dungarees that go around together, like a couple.
“I haven’t properly read it but apparently they take it up the rear in exchange for something called ‘grits’.
“It may be clever, but it’s not right.”