Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I thought things were going great with my boyfriend. We have so much in common, have the same wicked sense of humour and laid-back approach to life, and whenever we get together in the bedroom, we’re like two randy sheep rutting in a field. So you can imagine how distraught I was to receive a text message out of the blue telling me we’re finished and never to contact him or go near him or his family. What makes is worse is now I’m going to have to find someone else to impregnate me with the next messiah and commence the decimation of the human race. I was sure this one seemed keen – where am I going wrong?  

Dear Amanda,
Even the best of us have to deal with rejection sometimes: look at Cheryl Cole. She’s lost her job on American X-Factor because of her German accent; at least that’s the story we’re being fed by the news: we all know it’s really because she likes to beat up black people, and there must be at least 75 black people in America, including King Obama, so they obviously won’t be wanting her sort.  Now poor old Cheryl’s been sent packing, she has no job and no husband and she doesn’t even do rude dancing in her pants like Rhianna and Lady Gaga so it’s only a matter of time before people stop liking her altogether. Let’s hope her new friend can save her career – although seeing as he doesn’t even know how to use a full stop it does seem unlikely.
Hope that helps!




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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Financial disaster as your website rating MPs by their sexiness is hit with several thousand lawsuits for vomit damage.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Ah, I see, so you’re a left-brained kind of person, is that right? And there was me thinking that you were just a clumsy twat that keeps chipping bricks out of my garden wall with your Land Rover.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If you’re sick of people constantly stealing your jokes, now might be the time to stop coming up with the first, blatantly obvious punchline that staggers drunkenly into that echo chamber of a head of yours.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice but generally speaking they call me that fat bloke that was even worse than The Spin Doctors. Bit harsh.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Thank god they made a sequel. How on earth did they think they could cover all the character nuances of a Kung Fu Panda in one 90 minute film? Crazy, just crazy.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You’ve been unusually cheerful recently. So I was just wondering if you had realised that Jack Whitehall has, and will continue to have, a more successful career than you could ever dream of having?

Sagittarius 22 (NOV-21 DEC)
As your hangover enters its third day, you’ve gone past the vomiting, headaches and shivers and seriously start considering building an enormous wall to wail against.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Blind dates seldom go well but you set a new low this week when yours is eventually strapped into a trolley in the back of an ambulance screaming to have their eyes gouged out with a spoon.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
After being passed over for a pay rise for three years in a row, this week you furiously march into your boss’s office and list all the qualities you bring to the workplace. This has the unfortunate side-effect of reminding him you still work there and he fires you on the spot.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
My bowl of spaghetti hoops formed into the shapes of Libra, Saturn and a ball-pein hammer. I’d cancel your hitch-hiking trip if I were you.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
A disappointing result as your Olympics tickets arrive and it turns out you spent £200 to watch the urine tests for the three-day eventing.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This Friday, you’re really hungry so decide to go out for an Italian but unfortunately you’re arrested after being caught stuffing him into the boot of your car.