Bring up their biological clock, and other normal ways to talk to women in their 30s

KNOW a woman in the prime of life? Looking for conversation topics that will piss her off no end? Try these: 

Bring up her biological clock

Post-30, women love talking about the state of their ovaries with acquaintances and colleagues. Perhaps bring up a study you read about fertility plummeting after 32, or a newspaper article you saw noting anyone over the age of 24 is medically a ‘geriatric mother’.

Ask whether she can really ‘have it all’

Can a woman have a family and a career? It’s a conundrum that’s the subject of countless books, films and any other discussion of a woman in her 30s, but you should really get this particular 36-year-old’s opinion. Never mind that asking the question suggests she can’t.

Compare her to fictional losers

Daring to be single after the big three-oh? Are you Bridget Jones, Fleabag or Miranda? Be sure to ask your friend’s sister if being alone is a conscious effort to emulate these fictional characters, rather than part of her unique life journey as an independent human being.

Suggest that life begins at 40

If the woman you’re conversing with is nearing the end of her thirties, reassure her that everything she’s been doing up to this point has been pointless and she might as well have been injecting crack into her eyeballs all this time. That’ll cheer her up.

Assess how old she looks

Finish off this dazzling exchange by telling her that, at 37, you personally don’t think she looks a day over 35. If possible, enlist other party guests/cinemagoers/funeral attendees to see if they agree.

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Co-worker leaves 'while you were out' turd on Jacob Rees-Mogg’s desk

A CIVIL service co-worker has visited Jacob Rees-Mogg’s desk while he was absent and left him a little message. 

Following reports of the Cabinet minister leaving notes reading ‘sorry you were out when I visited’ notes on Whitehall desks, a colleague popped over to see the minister for Brexit opportunities and government efficiency to find him not present.

The anonymous civil servant said: “What an irony it was for me that Rees-Mogg wasn’t at his desk, probably because he was out visiting the empty desks of others. And what an opportunity.

“Sadly I hadn’t brought a pre-printed notice with the governmental crest and my full job title with me, unlike him. In fact I didn’t even have a pen and paper. So I had to improvise.

“Quickly I hit on a way of leaving a message that would tell him I’d been at his desk and my feelings toward him swiftly, efficiently and without room for misunderstanding.

“I climbed aboard his leather-topped desk and authored my communication. Unfortunately there’s no way he’ll know who it’s from, because so many of us feel the same, but I trust there’s no doubt as to its meaning.”

Rees-Mogg said: “What’s this on my desk..? Oh ho ho. Looks like Boris has been by. That Old Etonian sense of humour is unmistakable.”