SOME wanker’s always trying to get you to watch this or try this or go doing that. You nod and say ‘I really should’ while intending to do no such f**king thing.
Watch The Sopranos
It’s the greatest show ever but it’s also 86 hours long. You’re not signing up to a year’s watching just because your mate’s evangelising about it. He thinks his girlfriend’s fun and nobody’s noticed his hair loss. He’s wrong.
Christ, people love sushi. Their eyes roll back in their heads. But you’re not that keen on fish, you’re kind of averse to raw meat and honestly you can live a good, full life without a California roll passing your lips.
Go for a dawn run
Being up while the world sleeps, seeing the golden rays of dawn break over the hills, beginning the day charged and pumped – none of it’s worth getting out of bed for.
Read any book that changed anyone’s life
First, your life’s alright. Second, the book in question seems to have changed the life in question into something of a dick’s life. Third, you can’t even be arsed to read books you want to read.
Listen to a playlist
It’s sweet that your mate spends hours curating their special playlist full of all their favourite music, but you’re not listening to that shit. They’d only ask you about it and you’d have to bluff. Just go to ‘all liked songs’ and shuffle.
Watch a film
Spending a whole evening watching a movie that Charlie at work says is unmissable? That’s won Oscars and has incredible reviews? Or just say you have, scan the Wikipedia, and get pissed instead?
Go white-water rafting
Or paragliding or bungee jumping or whatever. There’s a time for flooding the bloodstream with adrenaline and it’s when you’re in serious danger. Don’t simulate it.
Read a graphic novel
Comics are for kids, yeah? Words and pictures are for people who struggle intellectually, like readers of Heat magazine. You’re not reading some crappy comic. You’re an adult.
Go to Glastonbury
It’s probably amazing, but it’s also on telly. It’s comprehensively on telly. So while you are missing out, you’re missing out on a limited amount and don’t have to shit in a trench.
Go wild swimming
F**k off trying to make people jump in a freezing lake. It’s perfectly obvious they don’t want to. Swimming pools exist for a reason.
Watch a YouTube video
There’s this YouTube video your mate wants you to watch? And it’s three minutes long but he’ll be there the whole time. Those minutes will be hours. F**k that.