Ten things you're not going to do no matter how often some prick bangs on about it

SOME wanker’s always trying to get you to watch this or try this or go doing that. You nod and say ‘I really should’ while intending to do no such f**king thing.

Watch The Sopranos

It’s the greatest show ever but it’s also 86 hours long. You’re not signing up to a year’s watching just because your mate’s evangelising about it. He thinks his girlfriend’s fun and nobody’s noticed his hair loss. He’s wrong.

Try sushi

Christ, people love sushi. Their eyes roll back in their heads. But you’re not that keen on fish, you’re kind of averse to raw meat and honestly you can live a good, full life without a California roll passing your lips.

Go for a dawn run

Being up while the world sleeps, seeing the golden rays of dawn break over the hills, beginning the day charged and pumped – none of it’s worth getting out of bed for.

Read any book that changed anyone’s life

First, your life’s alright. Second, the book in question seems to have changed the life in question into something of a dick’s life. Third, you can’t even be arsed to read books you want to read.

Listen to a playlist

It’s sweet that your mate spends hours curating their special playlist full of all their favourite music, but you’re not listening to that shit. They’d only ask you about it and you’d have to bluff. Just go to ‘all liked songs’ and shuffle.

Watch a film

Spending a whole evening watching a movie that Charlie at work says is unmissable? That’s won Oscars and has incredible reviews? Or just say you have, scan the Wikipedia, and get pissed instead?

Go white-water rafting

Or paragliding or bungee jumping or whatever. There’s a time for flooding the bloodstream with adrenaline and it’s when you’re in serious danger. Don’t simulate it.

Read a graphic novel

Comics are for kids, yeah? Words and pictures are for people who struggle intellectually, like readers of Heat magazine. You’re not reading some crappy comic. You’re an adult.

Go to Glastonbury

It’s probably amazing, but it’s also on telly. It’s comprehensively on telly. So while you are missing out, you’re missing out on a limited amount and don’t have to shit in a trench.

Go wild swimming

F**k off trying to make people jump in a freezing lake. It’s perfectly obvious they don’t want to. Swimming pools exist for a reason.

Watch a YouTube video

There’s this YouTube video your mate wants you to watch? And it’s three minutes long but he’ll be there the whole time. Those minutes will be hours. F**k that.

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Teletubbies, and other horrifying entities you just accepted as a child

CHILDREN are very accepting, which is generally a positive thing. However, it also means we allowed some truly monstrous creations into our lives as kids, like these.


We all loved Rainbow, but serious questions needed to be asked about Zippy. George and Bungle were clearly a hippo and a bear respectively, yet Zippy was some sort of indeterminate orange orb of chaos with a zippable mouth that added an unnecessary gimp mask vibe to children’s TV. But did that stop you from lapping up Zippy’s nonsense? Absolutely not.


It’s amazing how, as a child, you just rolled with the concept of four multi-coloured cretins living in a burrow who had televisions for abdomens. Not once did you ask yourself obvious questions like, how do they digest food? Why do they worship a sun baby? Are they on drugs? Am I?

Mr Blobby

Springing from what must be the nadir of popular culture, Noel’s House Party, Mr Blobby soon outshone Mr Edmonds, making regular appearances on Live & Kicking and even beating Take That to number one. The fact that he was a chaotic, clumsy nightmare in the manner of an overgrown toddler is probably what endeared him to children of a young age.


Emu was a huge, aggressive bird puppet which attacked an impressively wide variety of celebrities over the years, including Michael Parkinson, Richard Pryor and Snoop Dogg, and only stopped when Rod Hull died in 1999. However, rather than give you a fear of birds, or indeed men pretending to be birds, you thought it was hilarious.

Bananas In Pyjamas

If somebody sat you down and pitched you an idea for a television show featuring two massive sentient bananas dressed in matching nightwear you’d rightly worry about their mental health. Yet, as a four-year-old, you couldn’t get enough of those two terrifying pricks and their inane, witless antics.