The five worst types of people to watch TV with

WATCHING TV should be an opportunity to relax into mindless, slack-jawed oblivion, but that’s difficult if you’re sat next to one of these irritating knobheads.

The chatterbox

This person spews forth a constant barrage of inane witterings, usually at moments that are crucial to understanding the plot. If they aren’t wondering where they’ve seen that actor before, they’re talking you drearily through their day and paying no attention to what’s happening on screen. Tell them to shut up or piss off.

The researcher

Is it really necessary to know the age, marital status, and previous work of every single actor in the show? Is it vital to cross-reference IMDb pages to find out if the second assistant producer was the same as in the film you watched yesterday? No. It just ruins everyone else’s enjoyment of what would otherwise be a moderately entertaining way to switch off after a hard day.

The snoozer

As soon as the film begins they drift off, only to wake up 40 minutes later demanding a scene-by-scene recap of what they have missed. After you’ve finished regurgitating the plot and they’ve asked ‘Who’s that?’ 17 times, they’ll fall asleep again, rendering all your explanations pointless.

The pedant

This person gets a big kick from pointing out continuity errors and anachronisms because it makes them feel clever. It will be even worse if they have a special interest in a particular period of history and you have to listen to them bang on about how the hansom cab wasn’t actually used in New York until after 1882 while trying to enjoy the sexy bits in The Gilded Age.

The fidgeter

Whether they’re constantly checking their phone, jiggling their legs or shovelling crisps into their face, this person is a huge source of irritation. There’s only so long you can put up with someone clipping their toenails in your peripheral vision until you lose your shit and tell them to bugger off to the bathroom. At which point the fidgeter will ask you to rewind the last bit as they missed it due to you being a grumpy f**ker.

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How to ensure your romantic break is an absolute f**king disaster

PLANNING a romantic break with your beloved? Follow these tips and you’ll be lucky to make it home alive, let alone in love.

Make plans

Before you even set off, make sure you’ve stored up a list of unachievable goals in your head. Whether it’s having sex five times a day, visiting every single museum in a 50-mile radius, or simply enjoying each other’s company, the key thing is that they are unrealistic. You’ll be in the mood to re-evaluate your feelings for each other in no time.

Refuse to compromise

Your partner wants to laze around in bed until noon, you want to be up at dawn marching around a castle. Your partner wants to communicate using mispronounced local phrases from the guidebook, you prefer to shout loudly in English. You’ll waste your holiday seething at each other but, whatever clashes you encounter, the important thing is that you never back down.

Be ambitious

Being overly ambitious in pursuit of the perfect romantic memory is a surefire way to disappoint yourselves and kick-start the bickering. There’s nothing like hiking up a mountain for sunset to be greeted by 90 per cent cloud cover, or a visit to a stunning waterfall that involves a 13-hour coach journey with no loo stops. Your trip will soon become unforgettable for all the wrong reasons.

Say what’s on your mind

When your partner grosses you out, bores the shit out of you, or simply deviates from your idealised view of them in any way, call them out on it instantly. You’ll soon find you’re pecking at each other so much that there’s no time to talk about anything else, let alone relax and enjoy your getaway.

Don’t say what’s on your mind

If your partner picks their teeth with a matchstick or makes you watch 37 TikToks in a row, don’t gently voice your disapproval. Store up the irritation and even tiny niggles will soon reach deal-breaking levels, meaning you can enjoy a huge, explosive argument on the final day of the trip. Romance is dead: job done!